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Old 09-20-2003, 12:33 PM   #826
flatfloor
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Mario you brought it on yourself

Q. Why is it that most Italian Men are called Tony?
A. When they boarded the boat to America, they stamped To NY on their foreheads...


Q. What does FIAT stand for?
A. Frenzied Italian At Traffic-lights.

Q. How do Italian girls shave their legs?
A. They lie down outside and have someone mow them.

Q. How can you identify the Italian at the Cock fight?
A. He's the one who bets on the duck.


Q. How can you tell if the Mafia is involved in the Cock fight?
A. Well, if the Duck wins, you know they are!


Francis and Isabella were having their usual battle of the sexes.

"Italian men are all stupid," screamed Isabella

"Oh, yeah?" yelled her husband. "I'll have you know it was an Italian man who invented the toilet seat!"

"And I'll have you know," said his wife, "it was an Italian woman who thought of putting a hole in it!"

Q. Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A. So they can look like their mammas.

Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Italian, what would Cheetah be?
A. The least hairy of the three!

A Italian businessman on his deathbed called his good friend and said, "Luigi, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the IRS...and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"


Q. What did the barber say to the Italian kid?
A. Do you want your hair cut or should I just change the oil?

Q. How does an Italian get into an honest business?
A. Usually through the skylight.
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Old 09-20-2003, 12:43 PM   #827
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JIM!

L
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Old 09-20-2003, 03:32 PM   #828
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A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room.

The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue."

Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
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Old 09-20-2003, 03:40 PM   #829
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Top Ten Ways To Terrorize A Telemarketer


10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you
asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all
these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are
sore, my dog just died...."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to
spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then
ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal
questions or questions about their company for as long as
necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how
have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I
don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you are just about to
file for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask
if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry
you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not
just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them
if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call
them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give
out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone
bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and
you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your
momma?"

And first and foremost:

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY
WORD down.
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Old 09-20-2003, 04:23 PM   #830
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I usually tell them Kathleen's out tending a sick mule, please call back in an hour. I had one guy who actually called back and I told him she was busy plowing, call back, he did and when I told him she was helping a sow give birth he finally got the picture. All done with a heavy red necky drawl.


When we win a Free Trip I go into a wowee! Really? can I bring Luke? He's m'dawg we dont go nowhar without ol Luke. Kin he git into Disney Land too?
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Old 09-20-2003, 08:41 PM   #831
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I can just picture it too Jim
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He gives much so you can have a Beautiful Home!!
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Old 09-21-2003, 01:36 AM   #832
Maurizio Bertoli
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Hey, Jim, that hurts!!
BTW, there are no cock fights in Italy!!... There's no mafia, either!!
Hey, Linda, what are you laughing about? ... It ain't fair, ya know!!

A friend of mine from California sent this to me:

"A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexican Citizens.

God Bless America!"

Ciao,
Maurizio
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Old 09-21-2003, 06:10 AM   #833
drew
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A Kentuckian is drinking in a Texas bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical Kentucky baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody could believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Kentuckian just shrugs and says, "That's about average back home, folks...like I said, my boy's a
typical Hillbilly baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Kentuckian returns to the bar. The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of that typical Kentucky baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you....... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
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Old 09-21-2003, 03:21 PM   #834
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Exercising the brain is as important as exercising the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert.
The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so........

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the following test presented here and determine if you are
losing it or are still a MENSA candidate.

OK, relax, clear your mind and... begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?

















The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said,
"bread", go to question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk".
What do cows drink?























Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do
not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World".

If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.


3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?


























Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green
bricks", What are you still doing here reading these questions?????

Dang..... If you said "glass", then go on to question four.


4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany.
Germany at that time was politically divided into West Germany
and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines failed. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decided on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately, the engine failed before he had time and the plane
crashed smack in the middle of "no man's land" between
East Germany and West Germany. Where did they bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany?




























Answer: You don't bury survivors!!! If you said ANYTHING else, you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every
minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
































Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or
anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question...

6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London
to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In
Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11
people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
































Answer: Oh, It was YOU! Read the first line!!!
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Old 09-21-2003, 04:19 PM   #835
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Jeremy,
Being from the south I thought that once you got to the Watford Gap you change to the stage coach,


Derek one half of


Had to put my name as Jacqui was born in Wales and was brought up in the midlands
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Old 09-21-2003, 06:09 PM   #836
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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a grandmother was tucking her grandson into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Nanny, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The grandmother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in your granddaddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
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Old 09-21-2003, 09:14 PM   #837
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the truth, Ruth...

concerning telemarketers.

We're hangin' out havin' some wine about Tuesday last week. Phone rings, I tell JJ I ain't talkin' to nobody. Caller asks for me, JJ says "He's not home, can I help you?" Caller... "Are you his wife or his girlfriend?" JJ..." Wife??? That SOB never told me he was married. You may as well not call again 'cause he's a dead man now!!! " Pause.... no response. Click.

Not bad for a blonde.
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Old 09-21-2003, 09:36 PM   #838
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Sonnie
It is imperative that the devine M and JJ never meet.
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Old 09-21-2003, 11:03 PM   #839
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agreed, that would be dangerous, even for a guy like me!
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Old 09-22-2003, 04:14 AM   #840
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I Like Her more and more Sonny and weve never met.Go JJ
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He gives much so you can have a Beautiful Home!!
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