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Old 09-03-2003, 11:09 PM   #751
Sonnie Layne
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to ditto would be a waste of time,

so I'll just agree.
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Old 09-04-2003, 05:38 AM   #752
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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.

Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad.

How's the golf?" Woods replies, Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."




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Old 09-04-2003, 05:44 AM   #753
Maurizio Bertoli
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One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

Ciao and good luck,
Maurizio
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Old 09-04-2003, 07:30 PM   #754
RandyL
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that is funneeeeeeee!
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Old 09-05-2003, 04:49 AM   #755
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Satan

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in
their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the
church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew
without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
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Old 09-05-2003, 05:06 PM   #756
Maurizio Bertoli
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Best Dear John letter

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter
from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just
too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been
gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the
picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Becky

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots
they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts,
cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the
other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies. There
were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your
picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,
Ricky
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Old 09-05-2003, 05:13 PM   #757
kemguru
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Old 09-05-2003, 05:58 PM   #758
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Todd, where you been hanging out?
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Old 09-05-2003, 07:48 PM   #759
John Bridge
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Hey Tim, they're looking for distributors.
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Old 09-06-2003, 05:36 AM   #760
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A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!", the Judge shouted back to the man, all the while banging his gavel. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You darned tightwad!" blurted the spectator again.

"Quiet!", yelled the judge after a few more bangs of his gavel, and then continues, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout when the Judge thunders back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!" So the man answers, "I've lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had any tools when I needed to borrow one?!"
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He gives much so you can have a Beautiful Home!!
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Old 09-06-2003, 08:18 AM   #761
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On the way up 31 from Indy to Kokomo. As appetizing as it sounded, I still elected to pass.
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Old 09-07-2003, 02:39 PM   #762
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Looks pretty straight forward to me.

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Old 09-07-2003, 10:50 PM   #763
fishinfarmgirl
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Yup! Love it!
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Old 09-08-2003, 12:30 AM   #764
Maurizio Bertoli
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A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

But then... A student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

Ciao and good luck,
Maurizio
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Old 09-08-2003, 05:47 AM   #765
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Well said, Maurizio!
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