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Old 12-17-2002, 08:27 PM   #196
flatfloor
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More cat food

Wife and girlfriend are sitting around drinking coffee when she looks at the clock and realizes hubby will be home any minute, and no dinner is ready. She quickly opens a can of cat food and dumps it and some rice into a casserole dish and pops it in the oven.

My God! Her girlfriend gasps.. your gonna kill him feeding him cat food. Wifey says.. don't worry.. I've been doing this for years.. he doesn't know and he loves it.

A few months later the man is dead.

Girlfriend goes to the wake, takes wifey aside and says..I told you that cat food would kill him!

Wifey says..Not at all, he was up on a ladder licking his balls and fell off and broke his neck.
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Old 12-17-2002, 08:40 PM   #197
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Old 12-22-2002, 11:00 PM   #198
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OLD MARRIED GUY JOKES

Talkin to a guy last night tells me he's been married over 30 yrs, then adds, "I've been married so long, I don't even look before I cross the street."

Little later he adds, "After all these yrs of marriage though I can still make my wife roll her eyes back and start moaning,

then I tell her , "Oh come on to bed, it won't be that bad!"
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Old 12-23-2002, 09:23 AM   #199
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Old 12-23-2002, 05:46 PM   #200
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Dim-witted Charlie is out pounding the pavement looking for work when he comes across a help wanted sign in the window of a old run down tavern. Figuring that tending bar couldn't be too taxing on his not so nimble mind, he goes in and applies for the job.
The barkeep explains, that this being a tough bar, there are three things he must first do in order to prove his worthiness.
Charlie feels up to a challenge and asks, "What do I gotta do."
"First thing is, you see that guy down at the end of the bar, well that's ol' smoking Joe. You gotta go up to him and knock him out with one punch!" Charlie thinks to himself, wow this is a tough bar. "O.K. what's the second thing."
"We got a bear out back with a bad tooth. Your gonna have to pull out his tooth using nothing but your own hands." Geez, he hates to ask, but must, "All right then, what's the third thing."
"You see the old lady sitting by herself back there in the corner. She ain't never had a man. You're gonna have to satisfy her in the way that only a man can."
Well well well, he thinks, this is gonna be rough. After a minute he decides to give it a try. He looks at the barkeep and says "Smoking Joe?" The barkeep nods his head. Charlie walks up behind smoking Joe and taps him on the shoulder. As Joe is turning around, BAM Charlie coldcocks him right in the jaw. Ol' Joe teeters off his stool, SPLAT, flat on his back, out cold.
With the first chore done Charlie looks at the barkeep and says, "The bear, right?" The barkeep nods his head, and out the door goes Charlie.
Just for a moment everything is quiet, then all hell breaks loose. There is banging and crashing, chain link fence rattling, building walls trembling, moaning and groaning, enough noise to wake up the dead and then silence.
Charlie steps back into the bar. Standing there with his clothes all torn to shreds, huffing and puffing, buckets of blood and sweat pouring off his body and his head all dizzy and spinning, he looks up at the barkeep and says, "O.K. now, where's that old lady with the bad tooth."
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Old 12-23-2002, 09:30 PM   #201
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Prior to that Charlie was hired as a temp with a DNA research Lab.

The head researcher explained to Charlie that they wanted to see if it was possible to mate a gorilla and a human and asked if he felt he could handle that. Charlie agreed and off they went to meet his new love, Peaches. Charlie entered her cage and they locked it behind him.

Just for a moment everything is quiet, then all hell breaks loose. There is banging and crashing, chain link fence rattling, building walls trembling, moaning and groaning, enough noise to wake up the dead and then a moments silence followed by pounding on the door.

Cautiously they opened it, there was Charlie asking if they could please take the muzzle off Peaches so he could kiss her.
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Old 12-23-2002, 10:42 PM   #202
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Did I miss something here, did Charlie just get out of prison or something like that?
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Old 12-23-2002, 10:43 PM   #203
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last time I heard 'bout Charlie He was seen over yonder....
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Old 12-23-2002, 11:15 PM   #204
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Well everyone needs a hobby! And that's just a old wive's tale about hair growin in the palm of your hand! Right?
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Old 12-24-2002, 04:28 AM   #205
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In keeping with tradition

Charlie always sang this song for the Holidays.

http://www.toonedin.com/movies/WhiteTrashXmas.html
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Old 12-31-2002, 05:30 PM   #206
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Time magazine sent a survey to women in Arkansas, asking for their opinions on the Clinton Sex Scandal.
One of the questions: Would you ever have an affair with Bill Clinton?

The results were staggering!

5% No.
3% Yes.
92% Never Again.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
A young boy answered the phone in a whisper "Hello?" The man at the other end asked to speak to his father. The boy replied in a whisper "He can't come to the phone." The man then asked to speak to his mother. He again whispered "She's busy. She can't come to the phone either." The man became confused and asked if anyone else was at the house with the boy. "Yes," he whispered. "The police and the firemen are here too." When the man asked to speak to one of them, hoping to finally get an adult on the phone to find out what was going on, the boy again whispered "They're busy too. They can't come to the phone either." Finally the man asked the boy what his father, his mother, the police and the fire department were so busy doing that they could not come to the phone. The boy whispered "They're looking for me."
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Old 01-05-2003, 09:57 PM   #207
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Oldie but a goodie

ALASKAN NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY
>
> Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the
> stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from
> humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
>
> He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.
>
> "Name's Lars ....Your neighbor from forty miles away....
> Having a New Year's Eve party Friday ....Thought you might like to come.
>
> About 5..."
>
> "Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
>
> As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'."
>
> Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with best of em."
>
> Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops.
> "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
>
> Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
>
> Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
>
> "Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
>
> Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
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Old 01-06-2003, 09:18 AM   #208
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Old 01-06-2003, 06:14 PM   #209
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Patti got a kick out of that one. 'Course Patti gets a kick out or just about anything.

That was a good one.
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Old 01-07-2003, 06:10 PM   #210
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One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.
"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."
"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.
"Maybe I shouldn't eat you. You really are sick...in the head. You might have something contagious."
"Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole...and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my thesis."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."
So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis.
The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. To the right there was a pile of fox bones, to the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

The moral of the story:

The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.
All that matters is who your advisor is.

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