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Old 05-15-2004, 10:40 AM   #1516
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Old 05-15-2004, 11:55 AM   #1517
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Old 05-15-2004, 03:03 PM   #1518
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Bueno.
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Old 05-15-2004, 03:58 PM   #1519
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Old 05-15-2004, 07:12 PM   #1520
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Angry

JJ and FlatFloor I see you were both rolling on the floor laughing at the jokes... I trust you were not doing this 'together'???
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Old 05-15-2004, 07:13 PM   #1521
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10 Commandments of Marriage.

Commandment 1.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.


Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.


Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!


Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.


Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.


Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.


Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.


Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished..


Bonus Commandment story.
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
"It really works!"
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Old 05-15-2004, 08:12 PM   #1522
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JJ and FlatFloor I see you were both rolling on the floor laughing at the jokes... I trust you were not doing this 'together'???

Wot, an get me knickers full of sand?
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Old 05-16-2004, 12:31 AM   #1523
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Grit for grip!
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Old 05-16-2004, 11:35 AM   #1524
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Old 05-17-2004, 05:41 PM   #1525
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The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
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Old 05-17-2004, 10:33 PM   #1526
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Thumbs up

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

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Old 05-18-2004, 05:03 PM   #1527
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ouch!
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Old 05-18-2004, 06:11 PM   #1528
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Quote:
Originally posted by flatfloor
ouch!

Serves you right
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Old 05-18-2004, 06:41 PM   #1529
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I wanna hear your mammogram excersise noises.
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Old 05-18-2004, 07:05 PM   #1530
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Boy, Eli: you're on a roll!! I love you girl!!
Ciao,
Maurizio
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