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Old 10-06-2002, 09:07 AM   #16
Bri
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A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the

> >>birds and the bees.

> >>

> >>"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears.

> >>"Please promise me you won't tell me!"

> >>

> >>Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

> >>

> >>"Oh, dad," the boy sobs, "When I was six, I got the

> >>'There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the

> >>'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight,

> >>you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

> >>If you're going to tell me now that grownups don't

> >>really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

>


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Old 10-07-2002, 09:12 AM   #17
flatfloor
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Halloween's approaching

Little boy in a pirate costume and missing some front teeth knocks on a door.

Twick or tweat he yells. The lady of the house answers and thinks he is so cute she calls her husband. Tell the man what you said to me dear says she. Again the little pirate yells.. Twick or tweat!

Amused the DH asks..And where are your Buccaneers Captain?

Captain Kidd replies..under me buccin hat!
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Old 10-07-2002, 09:54 AM   #18
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There are two corrolaries to the hunter joke (I heard them first as Aggie jokes for any one you Texans):

Two guys are out hunting and lose their way. They walk over to a farm house where the lady is hanging out the wash. "Where you two boys off to?" she asks them. "We're going huntin' ma'am," comes the reply.

"Why, I'm game," says the farm lady, smiling. With that, they shot her.

** *

The two ole boys finally arrive at their deer blind, deep in the woods. One of them goes off to return some borrowed beer. Second guy hears the thrashing around in the grass when his buddy is on the way back, takes out his rifle and fires blindly. Comes the screaming.

Devastated, the shooter runs over, grabs up his buddy, slings him over his shoulder, and carries him back to town. He waits anxiously in the waiting room throughout the 12 hour surgery. Finally, the surgeon emerges.

"Doctor, doctor, did you save him? Did you save him?" the anguished hunter cries. The doctor shakes his head sadly.

"Well, son, I might could have saved him if you hadn't a-gutted him."
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Old 10-07-2002, 11:18 AM   #19
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A Man is out Duck Hunting on a dreary fall day and manages to bag 3 mallards.Knowing he has his limit he takes the long walk back to his vehicle and puts his ducks in the trunk.With lights a flashin,up pulls a gamewarden.
"how did ya do" asks the warden
"got a few" says the hunter
"mind if i have a look" says the warden.
The hunter opens the trunk and the warden reaches in and grabs one of the mallards.Right off the warden shoves his fingers up the ducks butt and pulls out some corn.
"That there my friend is an Iowa duck,You got an Iowa duck stamp"?
"as a matter of fact i do" says the hunter and pulls it out.
Hmmmmmm.The warden picks up the second Duck and shoves his fingers up its butt and pulls out some Wheat.
"Now that there my friend is a Kansas duck,You gotta kansas duck stamp"?
"well,as a matter of fact i do" says the hunter and produces the Kansas stamp.
The wardens gettin a bit angry by this time and picks up the last duck and shoving his fingers up its butt pulls out some wild rice.
"That there Mister is a Minnesota duck" he says glaring."You gotta Minnesota duck stamp.
"As a matter of fact, I do" says the hunter pulling out the stamp.
The Warden looking rather confused at this point looks at him and says" Buddy,where the hell you from anyway"
The Hunter promptly Drops his drawers turns around and bending over says to the warden"Youre the friggin expert, You tell Me"
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Old 10-07-2002, 04:46 PM   #20
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So there's these three midgits hanging out lamenting their woes, when all of a sudden one of them gets a bright idea.
"Hey guys, how about us going down to the genus book of world records and seeing if we can get some recognition for our small body parts." "Heck, I'll bet I got the smallest hands in the world."
The second guy pipes up "Yeah, and I bet I got the smallest feet."
While the third says "you know what?, I just gotta have the worlds smallest penis."
So off they go to the office of the genus book of world records.
They are in the waiting room when the first is called in. After some time passes the first guy comes out all jubilant. "That's it boys, I'm in the book, I'm famous, I got the smallest hands in the world."
The second is called in. After some time goes by, he comes out and triumphantly declares, "Yahoo, I made it, I have the smallest feet in the land."
Finally it's peewees turn. He goes in to the office but almost immediately comes right back out all dejected and sorry looking. His buddies look up and can see he is all bumed out. They ask, "what happened man, didn't you make it."
"Oh crap" he replies "who the hell is this John Bridge guy."


[Edited by Dog paws on 10-07-2002 at 06:59 PM]
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Old 10-07-2002, 06:51 PM   #21
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Old 10-07-2002, 06:52 PM   #22
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That WAS the guy who was trying for the smallest belly, wasn't it?
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Old 10-07-2002, 07:30 PM   #23
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It so happens that there were three passengers on board a smallish twin engine plane that developed engine problems. The pilot realized that the plane could not continue on its flight over the mountains and with no place to land he decided to put it on autopilot and talk to the passengers. Arriving in the passenger compartment, he announced that the plane was going to crash, that there were three parachutes on board, and that he was going to take one of them. With that said, he grabbed one of the chutes and bailed out of the ailing plane.

The three passengers looked at each other and almost immediately one began to speak. He said that he was the CEO of three major companies. That many important projects world-wide were depending on him for action. He allowed as how he was probably the smartest man on earth and therefore he "deserved" one of the parachutes. He then picked up a pack and jumped out of the airplane. The two remaining passengers, a priest and a boy scout, looked at each other and the priest began to speak. He said that he had lived most of his life, was confident of his future, and was not afraid to die. He urged the boy scout to take the remaining chute and jump from the plane before it crashed. The boy scout just smiled and told the priest not to worry that they were both going to be okay. The priest, not understanding, asked the boy how that could be. After all they had only one parachute left. Once again the boy scout smiled, and said, "remember that last guy, the smartest man in the world? Well, he just jumped out of this airplane holding on to my backpack!"

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Old 10-07-2002, 09:08 PM   #24
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Old retired tilesetter passes away and ends up in Hell.He meets the Devil and says,"I don't understand,I've always been a decent man,never done any wrong.Why am I not in Heaven?"The Devil says,"Shut up and get to work!"and gives him a list of tile jobs to do.
A while later,St. Peter calls and informs the Devil that a mistake was made somehow and that the tilesetter should be in Heaven.The Devil says,"You should see the beautiful tile work I have now around my oven and he's working on doing some mosaics around the fire pit!This was not a mistake at all!"and hangs up the phone.St. Peter calls back and threatens to sue the Devil if he doesn't give up the tilesetter.The Devil laughs at him,"And just where do you think you're going to get a lawyer?"


What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?
They both have a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
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Old 10-08-2002, 07:05 PM   #25
stullis
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Subject: The Blonde Painter


This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired
of all these blonde
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so
she decides to show
her husband that blondes really are smart. While her
husband is off at
work,
she decides that she is going to paint a couple of
rooms in the house. The
next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she
gets down to the
task
at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells
the distinctive smell
of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his
wife lying on the
floor in a

pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur
coat at the same
time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies
"yes." He asks what
she
is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde
women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the
house. He then asks
her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She
replies that she was
reading the directions on the paint can they
said.......

(scroll down).....I love this one.









"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
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Old 10-08-2002, 08:23 PM   #26
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It seems there were three women sitting on a bench discussing modern day advances. The first said that she thought the airplane was probably the most important advancement in the century. The second disagreed when she said that she thought the computer was the most important. After all even airplanes have computers in them. The third woman thought long and hard and allowed as how she thought the most important advancement was the Thermos bottle. The first two women laughed out loud and said that was stupid (after all she was a blonde). All the Thermos bottle did was keep hot things, hot, and cold things, cold. To which the blonde replied, "Yeah, but how does it know.....?"

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Old 10-09-2002, 09:15 AM   #27
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more hunters

Two novice hunters were lucky enough to bag a 12 point buck their first day out. They now had to get it to their car so each grabbed an antler and started to drag it the 3 miles to the car. Stuck in heavy underbrush they were straining and sweating with little progress to show for it.

Another hunter came upon them and suggested they drag it by the hind legs since the antlers were tangling in the brush. This semmed logical so they tried it.

After a half hour they stopped for a break.
Well says one, whaddaya tink?
The other replies well..It's easier but we're getting further from the car.
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Old 10-09-2002, 03:26 PM   #28
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The American Medical Association has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered.
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's disease research. It is now projected that by the year 2015 there will be fifty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.

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Old 10-09-2002, 04:37 PM   #29
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Several people are waiting for the morning bus and line up as the bus stops at the curb. First in line is a young woman wearing a tight leather miniskirt. To her dismay, her skirt is so tight she can’t get her leg high enough to reach the first step of the bus.

After several tries she reaches behind her and opens the skirt zipper a little. She still can’t get her leg to the step. She sighs and reaches back to unzip the skirt a little more. Still no good. The third time she lowers the zipper all the way, but still cannot reach the step.

Suddenly, the man behind her puts both his hands on her behind and boosts her up onto the step.

Indignant at this, she turns red and snaps at him, “How dare you touch me like that!? How dare you!?”

The man removes his cowboy hat and smiles, “Well, ma’am, I figured after you unzippered my fly that third time we’d gotten to be a might friendly.”
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Old 10-09-2002, 05:14 PM   #30
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>"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"


If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will
tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
No one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's
maiden name.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too
busy to talk to you."

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You
won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up
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