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Old 05-28-2004, 06:11 PM   #1561
Mike2
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Well endowed

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
.
Behind a ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.
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The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled......
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The third priest moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you
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Old 05-28-2004, 06:25 PM   #1562
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I knew an abbreviated version, like yours better.
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Old 05-31-2004, 08:53 AM   #1563
Maurizio Bertoli
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Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term. The last question was: "Name seven advantages of mothers milk. The correct answer will be worth 70 points or none at all."
One student who had also partied a little too hard the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He finally wrote:
1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always available as needed.
4. It is always at the right temperature.
5. It is inexpensive.
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7. It comes in such cute containers.
He got the 70 points!

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Old 05-31-2004, 01:26 PM   #1564
flatfloor
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PSYCHIC DOG STORY

An elderly lady phoned Verizon company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.
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Old 05-31-2004, 10:05 PM   #1565
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Here is a good name for that pet goat you're getting for Father's day FF . This way you could talk about sex all the time, and we won't think you're a pervert .

A Dog Named "Sex"

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine "Sex". He`s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to the city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I`d like one, too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn`t care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don`t understand. I`ve had Sex since I was nine years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid!"

When I married and went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, "Sir, you don`t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don`t care what you do."

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition started,the dog ran away. I told another contestant I planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don`t understand," I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it`s no big deal anymore."

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "The courtroom isn`t a confessional. Stick to the case, please." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. "Me, too" he replied.

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came up to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o`clock in the morning?" I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up this Friday.
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Old 06-01-2004, 03:09 AM   #1566
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A guy is walking down a street when he meets one of his friends, his friend enquires.

Friend: 'hi Dave havent seen you at any of the football games this year, how come?'.

Dave: 'My wife has told me I cant go to the games anymore'

Friend:' I wont put up with that, you should do what I do'

Dave: 'whats that?''

Friend:' Saturday morning before every game, I turn to the wife in bed lift up her nighty, slide down her drawers and give her a good time, since I started doing it no complaints about going to football'

Dave: ' I'll give it a try'

Saturday morning comes, Dave turns to the wife, lifts up her nighty, slides her drawers down, he looks down, then thinks to himself, ' you know what they havent been playing that well this season.
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Old 06-01-2004, 09:43 AM   #1567
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Eli Dearest:
Great joke!!
BTW, just out of mere curiosity,
Quote:
after I was married, Sex left me. "Me, too" he replied.

Is that what happened to your hubby, too?!
Ciao bellissima,
Maurizio

Hey, Branty:
It looks like Sex lafet Dave, too after he got married!!
Ciao bell ... oh forget that!
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Old 06-01-2004, 03:30 PM   #1568
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Wink

What did the man say to michael jackson at the beach? Hey! get out of my son!

Why did michael jackson go to Kmart? he heard boys pants where half off.
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Old 06-02-2004, 11:36 AM   #1569
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Old 06-04-2004, 09:40 PM   #1570
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Aer Lingus

Irish Pilots as they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how damn shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat damn kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus !

CO-PILOT - Yer nat damn kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an der brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta De Holy Mudder a Gad !!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop but a few meters from the end of the runway!!!
As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist damn runway in de world!"

Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how damn wide it is?"
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Old 06-04-2004, 11:16 PM   #1571
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Jeremy:
Are you implying, or even remotely suggesting that them two Irish pilot had one too many??!
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Old 06-05-2004, 12:52 AM   #1572
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No I think he's implying that the Irish pilots are have a few missing, brain cells that is.
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Old 06-05-2004, 12:57 AM   #1573
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A student pharmiscist is left to run the shop for a few hours, when the main pharmiscist comes back he notice's a man leaning against a wall.
Pharmisicst: Whats wrong with that guy.

Student: He came in with a persistent cough

Pharmisicst: What did you give him.

Student: I made him take a whole bottle of laxative.

Pharmisicist: You dont give somone laxative to stop a cough.

Student: Yes you do, look at him, he's to frightend to cough.
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Old 06-05-2004, 10:02 AM   #1574
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Q8, the IRA knows where you live.
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Old 06-06-2004, 06:26 AM   #1575
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Did ya'll notice how the guy in the beach cartoon resembles sonnie??

So, now we know where he is
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