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Unread 12-12-2002, 03:05 PM   #181
Hobbit
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More of life's interesting questions.......

1) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.

2) WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

3) WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
The location of the dirt bag.

4) WHY DO A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because he's wearing his belt buckle on his hat.

5) WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet..............

6) HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

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Despite the cost of living,..........
Have you noticed how it remains so popular?

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Unread 12-12-2002, 03:29 PM   #182
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HEY! I'm sure you offended someone in Texas!
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Unread 12-12-2002, 04:24 PM   #183
Hobbit
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Well, might have happened, although I doubt it!!!!

Probably also offended lawyers, pilgrims, Harley owners, blind people, and anyone else out there who demands PC.

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Despite the cost of living,..........
Have you noticed how it remains so popular?

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Unread 12-12-2002, 07:34 PM   #184
Bri
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A little payback for the dumb blonde jokes( your welcome Cami)


The Five Secrets to a Great Relationship

1. It is important to find a man, who cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't
lie.

4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who
loves
to have
sex with you.

5. It is important that these four men never meet.....




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Unread 12-12-2002, 07:44 PM   #185
Cami A
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Thanks, Bri!


Jim, all Jake can blame is the cat.
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Unread 12-12-2002, 08:10 PM   #186
John Bridge
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You can't offend people in Texas with the written word.
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Unread 12-12-2002, 10:05 PM   #187
cx
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Well spoken, JB, well spoken!
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Unread 12-14-2002, 12:42 AM   #188
IBJT
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Good one JB I'm still rolling on the floor.
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Unread 12-15-2002, 11:22 AM   #189
drew
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Sorry JB, but the first thought in my mind, after readin that last post of yours was

Would that be because so few of them can read the written word?


Then I thought about all them Texans with all them guns, well I checked my profile real quick to make sure my hometown isn't on there, and thought what the hell, after all this is a joke thread!
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Unread 12-15-2002, 11:26 PM   #190
Sonnie Layne
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I no guns,

I no riddles,

I no dances

without any fiddles.


I think those

that got neither wun

just, uhhhh, need to forget about belonging to anything important to Texan history.

I coulda made a rhyme there, but anything came to mind woulda made me dementiorize it. Being the momentiorizer that I have come to be.
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Unread 12-16-2002, 07:28 AM   #191
John Bridge
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you're a quick study, Drew.
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Unread 12-16-2002, 07:50 PM   #192
Hobbit
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Signs of the Times...or...A Sign of Things to Come

Seen recently at certain locations throughout the country..........




On a plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a military hospital-door to colonoscopy:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."


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Despite the cost of living,..........
Have you noticed how it remains so popular?

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Unread 12-17-2002, 05:06 PM   #193
Hobbit
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A Prayer for the Stressed

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.....
the courage to change the things I cannot accept.......
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass I have to kiss tomorrow.

.......Help me to always give 100% at work...
............12% on Monday............
............23% on Tuesday...........
............40% on Wednesday.......
............20% on Thursday..........
............05% on Friday..............

And help me to remember........

When I'm really having a bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!!

Amen.
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Howard Peacock
Despite the cost of living,..........
Have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Have Tool Will Travel
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Unread 12-17-2002, 07:35 PM   #194
Dog paws
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very punny

A good pun is its own reword.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle... in a manor of
speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's
just kiln time.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the
wrong way.

Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean
your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack
it, so they gave me the
axe.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean
that morality comes from
morons?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor
play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over
platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.

Gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your
imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
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Unread 12-17-2002, 07:56 PM   #195
MikeC
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Talking Entertainment Jokes!!!

A little old lady went to a grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up the cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day she tries to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because sometime old people eat dog food. She went home and brought in the dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she brought in a small box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like poop." The little old lady said, "It is! Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

==============================================
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.

What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.

They'd put his left leg in . . . well, you know the rest.

==============================================
If Barbie is so extremely popular, how come you have to buy her friends?

==============================================
It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For Goodness sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!"

==============================================
A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from work: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man heard the voice he became increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, got together all his money and headed to Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, "Go to Harrah's."

So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table." The man did as he was told. When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed until finally it settled into number . . . 21. The voice said, "Dang it..."










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