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Old 09-13-2003, 03:07 PM   #796
Maurizio Bertoli
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Linda:

<Gotta remember that ploy!>

I sure wouldn't wanna crash into you! A foxy gal ... a bottle of red wine ... if you'd also throw in your famous chocolate Grand Marnier cheesecake, I'm 'fraid I'd fall for it!!
Maurizio
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Old 09-16-2003, 05:17 PM   #797
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Two guys are sitting in a lifeboat, adrift at sea after the ship they were in sank. It's been several days. No food, no water, nothing but the hot sun and an endless ocean. Suddenly a lamp floats by. One of the men grabs it and gives it a rub! Out pops a genie!! The men are dumbfounded. One looks at the other and back at the genie and says: "How about our wishes?"

The genie replies: "I am an apprentice genie. I can only give but one wish. Use it wisely."

One of the men blurts out: "Make the ocean turn into beer!!!"

And so it happens. In a flash and puff of smoke the genie is gone and all of the water is replaced by the sweetest, most wonderful-tasting beer the world has ever seen. None of that silly European stuff!! Good ol' American Beer. Perhaps Bud or Miller lite.

The wisher seems happy; but, his friend is not

He looks over at the wisher and says: "You idiot!!! How in God's name could you do something as stupid as this!! Now, we'll have to PEE in the boat!!!
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Old 09-16-2003, 11:05 PM   #798
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*chuckle!



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Old 09-17-2003, 09:51 PM   #799
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Talking

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While
tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy
is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
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Old 09-17-2003, 11:18 PM   #800
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Touchette!

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Old 09-18-2003, 05:09 AM   #801
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this is wierd
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Old 09-18-2003, 01:23 PM   #802
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I LOVE those mind twisting picture kinds of things!
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Old 09-18-2003, 06:06 PM   #803
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I'm not sure if this has been posted before or not.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
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Old 09-19-2003, 12:58 AM   #804
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My sukyaki special super zoom racer GTI Lux SL Boxter does all that anyway.
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Old 09-19-2003, 05:44 AM   #805
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A Thought Provoking Statistic

Think about this:
a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Then think about this:
a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year is 1,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner 0.0000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous thangun owners.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE
DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

As a public health measure, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.


Sorry Nick,couldnt help myself......
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Old 09-19-2003, 06:31 AM   #806
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OK
but don't hold your breath to hear the first "is there a gunowner in the house".
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Old 09-19-2003, 09:06 AM   #807
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Everyone, repeat after me, lawyers are our friends, lawyers are our friends.










If you repeated that sentence please send me $5 as I had it copyrighted last week.
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Old 09-19-2003, 11:40 AM   #808
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Or more appropriately
Lawyers R Friends........they golf together ,they fish together, they work out deals together,and never ever turn your back on a lawyer when playing Golf......

Got outa that copywrite thing didnt i
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Old 09-19-2003, 03:56 PM   #809
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Another wierd print.
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Old 09-19-2003, 04:54 PM   #810
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Nick,

Todd really likes you. It's all those other lawyers he's talking about.

Are lawyers still called barristers across the pond?
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