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Old 04-27-2015, 07:22 PM   #4861
Motordoctor
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Today I had to go to the mall. As I approached the entrance, I noticed
a driver looking for a parking space.

I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that
was open and available.

The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said,
"I'm not handicapped!”

Well, as you can imagine, my face was red!
"Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "I saw your Hillary bumper sticker, and I just assumed that you
suffered from some sort of mental disorder.”

She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.

Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying
to help them out!
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Old 04-28-2015, 08:45 AM   #4862
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“Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.”
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Old 08-06-2015, 07:03 PM   #4863
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AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. So I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer, so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so crap-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.
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Old 08-29-2015, 02:23 PM   #4864
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A priest was delivering a sermon entitled, Stand still and let the good Lord fight your battles, on the topic of not fighting but letting God vanquish evil. As he was delivering the sermon, a gust of wind lifted his garment and the congregation noticed he was carrying a gun.

After the service a congregant asked him, "I understood your sermon, but aren't you contradicting yourself by carring a gun?"

"Not at all," replied the priest.

"But didn't you say you are supposed to let the Lord fight your battles for you?"

"I did," said the priest. "The gun is just to hold them off until the Lord gets here."
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Old 08-29-2015, 05:07 PM   #4865
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Refrigerator

So after a long day at work I come home to an empty house. I proceed to the kitchen where I find a note from my girlfriend. " this isn't working, I'm sorry but I just can't take it, I'm going to go live with my mother" But then I opened the fridge the light came on and the beer was cold. What the hell was she talking about?
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Old 09-16-2015, 11:28 AM   #4866
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Tonto and Bubba Mae at it again........

Bubba Goldstein missed his and Bubba Mae’s anniversary and Bubba Mae was pissed big time as she proceeded to lay down the law to Bubba.

“Tonto Goldstein,“ she shouted,….. “by tomorrow morning you had better have something sitting in our driveway for me that goes from -zero to two hundred- in less than six seconds…. or there will be hell to pay!!!”

The next morning Bubba Mae saw a small, smartly wrapped package sitting in the drive.

When she opened it she found a bathroom scale.

Tonto has not been seen or heard from for three days..
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Old 09-29-2015, 05:16 PM   #4867
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12 Questions that need answers

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look there anyway?

7. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

8. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

9. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

10 Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

10a. Stop singing and read on.

11. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

12. Why is it that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
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Old 10-14-2015, 03:59 PM   #4868
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Flaming balls of s^it!

Hi all ..

Instead of introducing myself and asking endless noobie questions, I thought I would go straght to the introduction and the fun stuff. My name is Greg, I live in Maryland, and I have 5 upcoming tile jobs (one half bath, two full baths, one kitchen backslash and one outside flagstone patio repair). However, before I start asking questions here is my contribution to the fun:

I have a mate. He’s a bad influence. When he and I get together, we’re positively chaotic. This episode tells of a time shortly after he was blessed with his first child. Sit back and enjoy.

So my mate lives on a fairly remote farm. Not served by regular trash pickup, he is quite canny with his rubbish. Once their little crotchfruit came along, however, he and the missus quickly (within three days) tired of terry-towelling nappies, and bought disposables. All was fine for four months. To deal with the disposables, he simply tossed them into a 55-gallon oil drum outside the house.

Well, the inevitable happened and one day, the drum was full. This happily coincided with a hot autumn day, a visit from yours truly, and less happily, after quite a lot of beer had been drunk. What to do, what to do?

Burying? Nope – not biodegradable. Can’t take it to the tip, we’re all too pissed. No more drums, so can’t start another load. I know; let’s burn it! It’s, after all, a metal oil drum. That’ll work great! Ah, but the drum is full – to the very brim – with sh*tty nappies.

So Dumb and Dumber dug out a drill and cut a hole about a foot from the bottom of the drum. We then dribbled, over the course of the next two hours, five (FIVE!) gallons of petrol into the top of the barrel.

Then – and we both thought we were SO very clever – we used some detonation cord, and ran it through the hole in the bottom of the drum to light the petrol from the base of the fire.

Now – picture this in slow motion – the following things happened. The det cord lit. The burning ACME-like spark travelled prettily along the cord. It vanished into the freshly cut hole in the drum. There was a rumbling sound. That was the oh-no-second. We turned around and began to run. Behind us there was a sort of squishBOOM sound as the tragically explosive mixture of petrol and festering, rancid nappies exploded.

So here’s what happened next. It turns out that (who knew?) 55-gallon oil drums are stronger than nappies, especially when the top of the drum is missing. When you ignite a tightly packed drum full of nappies from the bottom, you have created a superb nappy cannon. As we found out. After the squishBOOM, there was a louder FLOOOOOOM sound. I looked over my shoulder to see a huge tongue of fire leaping out of the drum, and balls of fire above that.

The balls of fire turned out to be flaming, s^&t filled nappies – which flew about 300 feet into the air and then started raining down on the house, the cars, the tractor, us and everything else. We also found out that stamping on them to put them out isn’t nice.

The smell was truly incredible. Some of those nappies had been festering throughout a Australian summer, at the bottom of the nappy cannon. The sound of the molotov s%^ttails thumping down around us, along with the smell of roasting piss, s%^t and rotten nappy will stay with me forever.

The final crowning glory was when his wife came out of the farmhouse, looked around at the still-unfolding carnage, muttered “f$%^$%^g h^ll” and went back inside – not knowing that at least 30 flaming balls of s^&t were setting fire to the roof above her head.

We eventually got the fires put out, with not too much damage to property, but I was banned for a LONG time.
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Old 10-28-2015, 09:43 AM   #4869
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Hmmmm.......

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Old 10-28-2015, 05:14 PM   #4870
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Talking Dog

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars", says the owner. The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
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Old 03-23-2016, 07:21 AM   #4871
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I've decided to go on a diet, so I chose to use the Whiskey diet.

So far, I've lost 3 days.
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Old 04-20-2016, 09:41 PM   #4872
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Why are there no Volkswagens in Africa?
An Elephant will screw anything with a trunk in the front.
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Her contractor said she could have it installed today.
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Old 12-30-2016, 12:39 PM   #4873
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Tonto (Bubba) rides again.........

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Old 01-04-2017, 11:22 AM   #4874
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From The Far Side:

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Y'ALL NEW VISITORS READ THIS HERE!
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Old 01-07-2017, 03:04 PM   #4875
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Hope this is not a dupe :)

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