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Old 12-27-2014, 05:53 PM   #4846
Steve C
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A man walks out to the
street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect
timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman...he's a guy who did
everything right all the time. Like my coming along
when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank
Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over
everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific
athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you
should have heard him play the piano! He was an
amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really
special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a
computer. He remembered everybody's
birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to
order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could
fix anything. Not like me-I change a fuse, and
the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he
could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in
traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always
seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a
mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make
her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if
she was in the wrong; and his clothing
was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was
the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one
could ever measures up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: " An amazing fellow. How did you meet
him?"

Cabbie:
"Well...I never actually met Frank. He died, and
I married his wife."
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Old 01-11-2015, 10:01 PM   #4847
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Oldie but a goodie........

One dark night outside a small town in Texas, a fire started inside the local tile plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the tile plant's executive president, John Bridge, rushed to the fire chief and said, "All my newest book notes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived the executive president, John Bridge, shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out his secret book notes.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret book notes. The grateful tile company executive president , John Bridge, announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, Dave Taylorson, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ol'e Dave Taylorson the 70-plus-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!
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Old 01-11-2015, 10:39 PM   #4848
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Ha.
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Old 01-11-2015, 10:51 PM   #4849
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret book notes.
All that for a bunch of old Playboy magazines?
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Old 01-12-2015, 01:11 PM   #4850
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For those who may not know......
this is what the "Kman" works at "part time" when he aint' slavin' as forum mod, or coverin' his world with kerdi and Ditra.

"Book-em, Dano". :--)

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BTW... congrads' on yer' elevation to mod statue, Kevin.
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Old 01-15-2015, 08:36 PM   #4851
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--------------






Hospital Chart Bloopers

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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Old 02-22-2015, 09:20 AM   #4852
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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
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Old 03-01-2015, 10:07 PM   #4853
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Valentine's Day

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me
for giving someone a valentine?

Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

"The Isis group," she says.

"Why them," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have
enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe
we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other
kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love
everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling
everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines
could blow the shit out of them."

Source : John " Bud" Morris, officer , US Army (ret.), served in combat in Vietnam. Owned & operated United Tile in Portland before retiring.
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Old 03-01-2015, 10:27 PM   #4854
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Nice Henry!
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Old 03-06-2015, 10:19 PM   #4855
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It was the first day of 4th grade class and the teacher asked all her students what their dad's did for a living.

The typical answers were replied. Fireman, Policeman, Business man, Mechanic, and etc.

Little Justin was very quiet in the back so the teacher called on him, Justin what does your Dad do?

Justin stands up, well, he's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and he takes off all his clothes in front of other men while they stuff dollar bills in his underwear.

The teacher stood shocked and quickly got the students busy with school work.

She went over to Justin and asked if that was true that your father was a dancer?

Justin said no he really plays hockey for the Toronto maple leafs but I was too embarrassed to tell the other kids.
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Old 03-07-2015, 08:02 PM   #4856
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Lol,Peter thats hilarious.Nice to see a friendly face 'round these parts.How ya been,bro?
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Old 03-08-2015, 03:48 PM   #4857
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Hi LT.
I've been tiling away. Keeping busy. Not much else to report.
Good to hear from you bro.
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Old 03-11-2015, 02:20 PM   #4858
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Good laughs. I stole a couple of these.
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Old 03-11-2015, 05:27 PM   #4859
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~ The Nightmare ~


In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror
on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!

Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my
driver's license photo and it was that same color. Black.

I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair.

But it's a wheelchair!!

That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!!

I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible that I should
be black and Jewish and disabled.'

'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me.

I turn around, and it's my boyfriend.

Just what I needed!!!

I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.

Oh, my God..... black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend,
drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and Oh, noooooo...I'm
bald!!!

The telephone rings.

It's my brother.

He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out,
take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless
piece of crap... Any job.'

Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are
black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict,
HIV positive, bald, and an orphan.

But he doesn't get it.

Frustrated, I hang up.

It's then I realize I only have one hand!!!

With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out.

I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is
trash everywhere.

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker?

Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a
drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one
hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'Sweetie pie,
my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going to
vote for in the Primary? Hillary Clinton or Michelle Obama???

Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug
addicted, Jewish queer on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned,
unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend,

but please, oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat ....
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Old 03-17-2015, 11:21 AM   #4860
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Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest asked, "I've always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count' St. Peter?"

" No, I told you the computer is down; there's no way we can keep track of what you are doing."

" In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter, "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”

"Why" asks the Lord

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in New Hampshire."
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