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Old 12-06-2012, 11:16 AM   #4726
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:40 PM   #4727
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A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning: first he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was to cold, this went on for about a half an hour.
To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking aback and forth and very pleasant. So finally a customer asked; why donít you just throw out the pest?

ďOh, I donít care,Ē said the waiter with a grin, we donít even have an air conditioner.Ē
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:42 PM   #4728
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Policeman: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?"
Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!"
Policeman: "How can you be so certain?"
Pedestrian: "Iíd recognize that laugh anywhere!"
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Old 12-10-2012, 08:13 AM   #4729
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Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to...
Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!
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Old 12-14-2012, 12:02 PM   #4730
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Not sure this is entirely a joke but...

Name:  wyoming_rancher.jpg
Views: 378
Size:  35.2 KB

The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers
for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true
method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.
This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and U. S. Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,
"Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't f***in' our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!"
The meeting never really got back to order.
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Old 12-14-2012, 04:08 PM   #4731
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Stupid old farmers.

Reminds me of an old farmer standin next to the road when a citykid drives up and says."Hey,how long have you been farming"?
"All my life."says the old farmer.
"Why don't you plow your field straight instead of on a diagonal?"

"Never thought about doin it like that"farmer says.

Kid says"Ain't much between you and a fool is there?"

Old farmer says..."Nothin but a fence."
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Old 01-14-2013, 08:22 PM   #4732
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Subject: Post Office Job... A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.""Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in anyway?"The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
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Old 01-15-2013, 09:37 AM   #4733
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An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what do you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniels, than to forget where you keep the bottle!!"

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Old 01-17-2013, 02:11 PM   #4734
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Now this is poetry.
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Old 01-17-2013, 03:33 PM   #4735
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Stoner writes that:
Quote:
"I'm just a little slort of sheep"
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Old 01-17-2013, 05:23 PM   #4736
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OK Dave..... THAT was COOL!!!!!!
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Old 01-17-2013, 06:01 PM   #4737
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Yep
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Old 01-18-2013, 08:25 PM   #4738
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A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those a$$holes at the hardware store ever deliver the f%&king drywall..."
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Old 01-18-2013, 08:40 PM   #4739
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One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"

The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."
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Old 01-18-2013, 09:01 PM   #4740
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Much to the relief of the towns' folk, the town drunk died. Eternally on the dole, he had abused his family and any chance for real employment most of his life, and was not to be trusted under any circumstance. So, inside the small chapel adjacent to the burg's only church, as the pauper's funeral began, the minister was perplexed and at wits end attempting to think of something positive to say about the departed sot.
He bluffed it for a while reading scriptures, praying and letting the organist play a sad song, and he repeated again for good measure as he searched his brain and soul for the right words.
Finally, as he stood before the small gathering, he simply said, "I apologize to everyone here today for I am unable to recall anything good I can say about our dearly departed brother. Does anyone present have anything good they can say about the man we are honoring today?"
You could have heard a pin drop. Not a word came from the small crowd.
So he repeated the question, "Does anyone have anything good to say about our dearly departed friend?"
A little old lady stood up in the rear and said, "Aye, his brother was worse!"
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