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Old 07-30-2008, 11:32 PM   #4126
bamadave
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Drinking with a Redneck Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'


'God Bless America'
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Old 07-31-2008, 09:11 AM   #4127
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A Polish man moved to the United Kingdom and married an English girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got on well until one day
He rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
Divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
And asked the following questions:

Have you grounds?
Yes, acre and half with nice house.

No. I mean what is the foundation?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand, do either of you have a grudge? -
No, we have carport.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations in Poland

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want a divorce ?
She going to kill me!!!

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
Bathroom. I can read.....

...It say, 'Polish Remover'
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Old 07-31-2008, 03:52 PM   #4128
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MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly .

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6 .

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call .

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship .

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which n umber to press .

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway .

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696 .

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep . Please wait for the beep ..

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 . If you have short-term memory loss, press 9

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you .

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry . You won't be crazy forever .

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up
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Old 08-04-2008, 01:32 PM   #4129
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Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am .

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself,
so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor
and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
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Old 08-04-2008, 01:46 PM   #4130
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Old 08-04-2008, 02:14 PM   #4131
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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the Captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show such things as "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards in that deck the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it ........ the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day.....


and then 2 days...







then 3 days...








Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ......








"OK, I give up. WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE (blankety-blank) SHIP???"
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Old 08-04-2008, 05:09 PM   #4132
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On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and

watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came

over and shouted at me, 'You should be hung!'

I took a drink from my can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold foam from my

lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the

eyes of this nosy butt neighbor and then calmly replied,

'I am. That's why she cuts the grass.'
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Old 08-05-2008, 06:28 AM   #4133
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An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need , When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn on the end.
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Old 08-05-2008, 10:01 AM   #4134
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Old 08-06-2008, 09:36 AM   #4135
bamadave
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Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off
for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I
hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out
and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my
husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in
our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we
have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I
would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says
he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him
very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become
increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't
get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

------------

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be
caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that
there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum
pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding
wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be
that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to
the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
-Walter
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Old 08-07-2008, 10:07 AM   #4136
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Got several today...

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?'
--------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,
'I don't like the looks of your wife at all,'
'Me neither, Doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
------------------- ------------------
Two Reasons Why Its So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
---------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute...'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
---------------------------------------------------------< /B>
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know but it sure made a hole in Juan.'
----------------------------------------------------------
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, 'How do you get into those pants?'
The young woman looks him over and replies,
'Well, you could start by buying me a drink.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'OOPS!'
----------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
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Old 08-07-2008, 02:31 PM   #4137
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Groan; but I love it.
Quote:
'I don't know but it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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Old 08-07-2008, 09:23 PM   #4138
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An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
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Old 08-08-2008, 06:56 AM   #4139
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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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Old 08-09-2008, 09:15 PM   #4140
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A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. “So what are your plans?” The father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar.” He says. “A Torah scholar, Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?” “I will study,” the young man said, and God will provide for us.” “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.” “And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?” “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”
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There will be beauty in the person.
If there is beauty in the person,
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If there is harmony in the house,
There will be order in the nation.
If there is order in the nation,
There will be peace in the world."
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