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Old 12-06-2006, 05:44 AM   #3376
Dave Taylor
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Hey Jeremy...........

If you do it left handed does it feel like a different person? :---)
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Old 12-06-2006, 06:26 AM   #3377
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Ok... I see I gotta give ol' Flat a rest in the yoke dept.

Seems that ol' Bubba (AKA Tonto) wasn't a-treatin' Bubba Mae well lately so
she goes to the sex shop to gits' her-own-self a rubber dicky.

When she walks in all the dildos are all a-hangin' on a wall behind a counter so she points and says to the counter man, "I'll take one-o' them white ones and one-o' them black ones and one-o' them red ones.

Counter man replies, "Well lady.... I kin' fix you up with a white one ok and a black one ok but I dunno' bout' the red. I need to check with the manager first to see ifn' its all right to sell the fire extinguisher".

Har Har Har.
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Old 12-06-2006, 07:01 PM   #3378
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Very sneaky Dave
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Old 12-09-2006, 02:04 PM   #3379
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Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin‘?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
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Old 12-09-2006, 10:48 PM   #3380
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A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all.

My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
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Old 12-11-2006, 11:35 AM   #3381
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I wouldn't have bothered except for the last one.

12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (For the politically correct)

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
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Old 12-11-2006, 12:35 PM   #3382
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Joe goes to the doctor and said "Doc, I'm so fat I haven't seen my penis in years. The doc says, diet. Joe says I don't care what color it is, I still wouldn't be able to see it!
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Old 12-11-2006, 12:45 PM   #3383
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Am I going to hell for this one?

How many angry "East Bay" feminist Lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?





















tHaT'sNoTfUnNy! (said with a very stern scowl)
Shaughnn
PS: Phlatfleur made me do it. He dared me!!!!!
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Old 12-11-2006, 12:54 PM   #3384
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By all that's holy you do have one.
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Old 12-11-2006, 12:58 PM   #3385
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Jim,
In my pathetic defence, this joke was told to me by a very good friend of mine who happens to self-identify as an "angry feminist "East Bay" Lesbian. None of the rest of her circle of friends thought this joke was funny, at all. Which makes it even more funny to me.
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Old 12-13-2006, 12:03 PM   #3386
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Pirate.....

I don't gits' that yoke. Will you splain it to me?
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Old 12-13-2006, 12:09 PM   #3387
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"That's not funny!", said with a stern scowl is the punchline Dave. Try it in a mirror. The fact that my friend told that joke to every one of her Lesbian friends in the "East Bay" and got angry scowls in return is just icing on the cake. She even lost a girlfriend over that joke. It's hil-lar-i-ous!!!!!!!
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Old 12-13-2006, 12:21 PM   #3388
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I guess you had to be there.
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Old 12-13-2006, 12:32 PM   #3389
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I guess so, folks. Heck, you could try it with "ultra-conservative Christian-o-centric rednecks" if you like? Maybe even "Islamo-fundementalistas"? I think it plays out the same. Just don't try it with "New York Times crossword puzzelers" cause they just take themselves too dang seriously to laugh at a joke like that.
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Old 12-13-2006, 01:05 PM   #3390
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Letter from Santa to Flatfloor:

Dear Flat,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year
and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to
leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem:

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.

The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this. . . . .

Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation movement and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year, however, I suggest you get your ass down to Home Depot before everything is gone.

Love, Santa
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