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Old 01-07-2003, 10:18 PM   #211
Sonnie Layne
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I'm committing that one to memory... great!
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Old 01-08-2003, 04:21 PM   #212
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Winders 98

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have inadvertently been shipped outside of the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background art of Gen. Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.

Please also note:

1. The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
2. My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
3. Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
4. Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
5. Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
6. Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic disc thangs"
7. Instead of an error message, a garbage bag and roll of duct tape pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION

1. OK: = ats aw-right
2. Cancel: = piss on it
3. Reset: = try er agin
4. Yes: = yep
5. No: = noop
6. Find: = hunt fer it
7. Go to: = over yonder
8. Back: = back yonder
9. Help: = hep me out here
10. Stop: = kwitit
11. Start: = crank er up
12. Settings: = sittins
13. Programs: = stuff at duz stuff
14. Documents: = stuff I done did

Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

PROGRAMS EXCLUSIVE TO WINDERS 98:

1. tiperiter: A word processing program
2. colerin book: a graphics program
3. cyferin mersheen: calculator
4. outhouse paper: notepad
5. juke-box: CD player
6. iner-net: Microsoft Explorer 4.0
7. pichers: A graphics viewer
8. irs: MS accounting software
9. irs2: MS accounting software with hidden files
10. tax records: Generally an empty file
11. coon dawg: American Kennel Club records

You'll also recognize WINDERS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION as it comes preloaded with certain "Favorites" for browsing the Worldwide Web:

1. Fish: Bass Anglers Sportsman Society
2. NRA: National Rifle Association
3. Shotgun: Remington Arms home page
4. Riffel: Winchester home page
5. Pisstul: Smith & Wesson home page
6. Truck: Ford & Chevy dealers by zip code
7. House: Mobile home repair services and movers by zip code
8. Cuzzins: Complete database of southern residents
9. Bud: List of Budweiser distributors by zip code
10. Rasin: NASCAR racing schedule w/TV stations carrying races
11. Car'n Truck Repair: Junk yards by zip code
12. Doc: Veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all of y'all.

Billy Bob Gates - Head Honcho

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Old 01-08-2003, 04:44 PM   #213
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You're in the South, aren't you, Howard?
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Old 01-08-2003, 05:02 PM   #214
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American by birth, Southern by the Grace of God.
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Old 01-08-2003, 06:54 PM   #215
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Hooo-boy!
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Old 01-08-2003, 08:07 PM   #216
John Bridge
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Damn, Mike, I think you stole that from us. I've heard it around here. Texan by the grace of God.

Okay, okay. Don't start.
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Old 01-08-2003, 10:15 PM   #217
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Just could be that it applies to wherever you're from. It's an old saying, that's all. Everyone should be proud of where they're from.
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Old 01-08-2003, 10:56 PM   #218
Sonnie Layne
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this just received from a client of mine:...

Subject: Marketing 101
Several women I know have asked for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help
clear up the meanings of terms.
1. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.


2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him

and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.


3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you
call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
4. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and
pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly
against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.


5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.


6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.
That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses




you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Spam.
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Old 01-09-2003, 12:00 AM   #219
Cami A
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I dunno about that, Mike...Born in Ohio by the grace of God just doesn't have the same ring....

On the other hand, Thank goodness I don't live where the temps go over 90 degrees might work for me. Doesn't look as nice on the bumper sticker, though.

Sonnie, that may just be the first "new" joke I've seen on this thread. For that, I can give thanks...
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Last edited by Cami A; 01-09-2003 at 08:39 AM.
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Old 01-09-2003, 01:03 AM   #220
Sonnie Layne
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thought you might appreciate that...
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Old 01-09-2003, 08:23 AM   #221
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QUOTE BY CAMI
Quote:
I dunno about that, Mike...Born in Ohio by the grace of God just doesn't have the same ring....
Ummm, Yeah, I see your point Cami. Doesn't roll off the tongue quite the same way, does it?

There's always the exception to everything I guess.


SONNIE,
That was a good one.
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Old 01-10-2003, 05:42 PM   #222
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I don't usually pass on things I recieve via emal with "forward" in the subject line, but this one came from one of my sons. I think it's funny.



> > When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears

> > with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were

> > growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning

> > uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings

> > on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a

> > straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the

> > local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep

> > their family from starving to death!
> > And I remember promising myself that when I grew up

> > there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on

> > kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

> >

> >

> > But....

> >

> >

> > Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but

> > look around and notice the youth of today.

> >

> >

> > You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a

> > damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today, you don't know

> > how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we

> > didn't have The Internet -- we wanted to know something, we had to

> > go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves!

> >

> >

> > And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter -- with

> > a pen! --and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it

> > in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

> >

> >

> > And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to

> > go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to

> > wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the

> > DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and f@#* it all up!

> >

> >

> > You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had

> > to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11!

> >

> >

> > Those were your options!

> >

> >

> > We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and

> > somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy

> > Caller ID Boxes either! When the the phone rang, you had no idea who it was.

> > It could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you

> > didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

> >

> >

> > And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with

> > high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like

> > "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was

> > a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no

> > multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could

> > never win. The game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!

> > Just like LIFE!

> >

> >

> > When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!

> > All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you

> > were screwed!

> >

> >

> > And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20

> > channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book

> > called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network!

You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear what I'm saying!?!

We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!

> >

> >

> > That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.

> > You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back

> > in 1984!
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Old 01-10-2003, 06:29 PM   #223
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Old 01-10-2003, 06:48 PM   #224
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ROFLMAO And niki is damned near in tears!!!!
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Old 01-10-2003, 07:22 PM   #225
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I fail to see the humor in it!
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