new joke

[Dog paws]

Howard...... that hurts

[Cami A]

The engineer's answer to the age-old question question...


1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

[tileguytodd]

Cami Killed Santa Claus!!!!!

[Cami A]

Nah...I think the amount of good children was severely overestimated, throwing off all the following calculations.

Santa's alive...I saw him at the mall...

[tileguytodd]

Thought for a second there i wasnt gonna get my new Vexilar FL-18...........dont scare me like that Cami

[flatfloor]

Cami you have to stop those PMs with Bob and Dave.

[elsuizo]

Oh, to be a Blond !



A blonde goes into a Tim Horton's and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome . . . I can't believe it, I've actually won a motorhome !"



The waitress says, "That's impossible, the biggest prize is a Tim Horton's coffee maker."



But the blond insists, and at the top of her lungs keeps screaming, "I've won a motorhome, I can't believe that I've actually won a motorhome !"


Finally the Manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I am very sorry, but you must be mistaken. We are not offering a motorhome as one of the prizes."



The blond says, "No, it's not a mistake, I've won a motorhome!"



And with that statement, she hands over the winning pull tab to the Manager.



The Manager reads the tab, and a slight smile forms on her face .



Scroll down . . .












WIN A BAGEL

[Cami A]

'Tis the Season for Holiday Parties- here's a few warning labels from the liqour manufacturers to keep in mind...

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in bad dancing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friend over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ### kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time- space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

[Hobbit]

Life's important questions.




1) WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick.

2) WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.

3) WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quattro Sinko.

4) WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
Polaroids.

5) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef.

6) WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.

7) WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers.

[flatfloor]

Howard, I don't know what to say.

[flatfloor]

Another blonde joke, witha pologies to Norma Jean.

The blonde saw a sign when walking past an office building late one night:
"Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman coming down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way to the door. "Well," he huffed, "what do you want?"

The Blond says, "So, like, why can't you ring the bell yourself?"

[Cami A]

Children's Books that won't Make the Best-Seller List



You Are Different … and That's Bad

The Boy Who Died From Eating Vegetables

Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share

Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

The Little Sissy Who Snitched

Some Pets Can Fly

That's It! I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

The Magic World Inside Abandoned Refrigerators

Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

Strangers Have the Best Candy

Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

You Were an Accident

Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

[tileguytodd]

You forgot one Cami!!

Chaos,confusion and disorder-A childs Primer

By Cami

[Cami A]

Heh heh...I think you're right- except that the author could be Jacob. It could be the first of a series, followed by

Why All My Toys should Stay Right Where They Are

Fruit Roll-ups Are Too a Healthy Snack

Effective Whimpering and Tantrum Throwing Techniques, subtitled:
How to Embarass Your Mother at the Mall

Turn Your Family Room Into a Hockey Rink

Watch Me! and 101 Other Repetitive Requests

How to Be Really Quiet So Mom Doesn't Know You're Up Already

50 Ways to Annoy the Cat while Begging for a Puppy

[flatfloor]

how about:

How to Blame Your Little Brother/Sister.