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Old 11-23-2002, 08:29 PM   #151
John Bridge
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Yeah, I think that's a bit much. Our policy is to not censor anyone, because we feel a person should be heard, but that joke goes over the line, I'm going to take it down.

John Bridge

If it seems something is missing here it's because I went against our long-time policy of not deleting anything. I deleted a joke I felt was inappropriate to our community. It's not a free speech issue. It's simply a matter of decorum.

[Edited by John Bridge on 11-26-2002 at 05:42 PM]
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Old 11-23-2002, 09:00 PM   #152
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Whew, I guess I missed something... Must have been out-a-line for JB to take it out.

JB is NOT a censor!
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Old 11-23-2002, 10:28 PM   #153
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Yeah, it was a little raw, JT, he was correct in removing it methinks.

Worst part, though, the title of the thread is "new joke" and that one was a compilation of really old jokes.
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Old 11-26-2002, 02:10 AM   #154
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Here's an arguement for better education....

cid:a05100308ba08112b8a65@[65.71.92.142].0.0


oops, how do we treat a cid file???? I could post the entire message, I guess in which is attached the poster I wanted to share with you.

Dave? JR? uhhh cx?

Oh, the file came from a MacAttack, but I don't think it's relegated to their format, this client does it all. Well.... I don't mean all but she sends me some pretty funny stuff from time to time.

she may be hanging around here, just to make sure I'm the total idiosynctrict person I claim I am. Y'all will stand up for me, right???

[Edited by Sonnie Layne on 11-26-2002 at 03:17 AM]
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Old 11-26-2002, 06:02 AM   #155
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I dont know about everyone else sonnie, But i will always stand up for a guy who does his moderating at 3AM
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Old 11-26-2002, 07:41 AM   #156
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You're axin' CX how to do a computer function?!!


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Old 11-26-2002, 08:52 AM   #157
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Damn I missed it. Got muy poter back now.

Bud, this is Sonnies romper room.
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Old 11-26-2002, 01:25 PM   #158
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try pasting the above addy into your browser, think it'll work.
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Old 11-26-2002, 03:02 PM   #159
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Talking

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"

"Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."

Then he asked, do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?

I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?"

"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80????"
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Old 11-26-2002, 04:06 PM   #160
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Redneck pictures:
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/misevi...edneckpics.htm

warning to dialup users, lots of pictures.
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Old 11-26-2002, 09:41 PM   #161
Bryan Klakamp
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Copied this off the Fine Homebuilding web site. Hope there is no copyright infringement!

I'm passing this along...
Subject: Fly the friendly skies

Forgive me if you've seen this one before!
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

*****************************
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

*****************************
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

*******************************
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

*****************************
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

*******************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

*********************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

**********************************
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

***************************
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

*****************************
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

*********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

************************************
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children ... or other adults acting like children."

****************************************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

****************************************
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

********************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ...it was the asphalt."

*********************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

**************************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

**************************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

**************************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and he warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through he wreckage to the terminal."

*************************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

*************************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentaly spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

**************************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

**************************************************
After takeoff and reaching cruse altitude, the pilot announced over the P.A. the usual stuff about speed and time of arrival. After his announcement he didn't quite get the handset in it's place when he said. "Well with that said, all I need now is a coffee and a piece of tail." Hearing this in the cabin, the flight attendant went running for the cockpit. A quick minded first class passenger screamed "DON'T FORGET THE COFFEE!!!!"
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Old 11-27-2002, 09:55 AM   #162
flatfloor
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I loved the little old lady.
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Old 11-27-2002, 06:59 PM   #163
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Scary flights

We had two incidents where we felt a little disconcerted when flying.
The first was when we were flying back to Leipzig. As we were coming in to land at Leipzig, the Captain announced that it was a bit foggy at Leipzig, but he would attempt to land. We were approaching the runway when, just before landing, the plane roared skyward with screaming engines. The Captain then told us that there were two planes behind us and he would see if their attempts to land were successful before he would attempt another landing. We finally landed at Dresden!
When waiting to land at Heathrow (London), we were stacking, which is quite normal at that particular airport. However, the Captain was obviously flying in ever decreasing circles as we suddendly careened away from a tall building - I swear I could see what the occupants of the apartment building were having for breakfast. Scary!
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Old 11-27-2002, 07:18 PM   #164
John Bridge
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Jacqui,

I've been in that situation -- flying in horrid weather. Going into Saigon in a 707. Captain has it on auto, the plane is weaving back and forth between cloud covered hills, finally makes to the tarmac, and the captain says, "Guess we fooled 'em again."
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Old 12-10-2002, 07:03 PM   #165
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?".....

(Are you ready???)


The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

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