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Old 06-07-2004, 05:48 PM   #1576
flatfloor
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A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HELLLLOWW .. You gotta roll up the windowwwws..."
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Old 06-07-2004, 08:46 PM   #1577
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Old 06-07-2004, 10:26 PM   #1578
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George Bush received a call from Russian President Putin.

He says to Bush "Our largest condom factory has exploded". "My people's favorite form of birth control." This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied President Bush.

"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 2" in diameter?" said Putin

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for any thing.

George Bush hung up and called the CEO of a condom company. "I need a favor. Can you send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," replied the CEO of the condom company.

"Good! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 2" in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, ...........SIZE: "SMALL" on each one!!"
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Old 06-08-2004, 05:33 PM   #1579
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Old 06-09-2004, 05:55 PM   #1580
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HOW TO ADDRESS TERRORISTS

I received this warning about the use of this politically incorrect term. Please try to pay attention to your language!

"Towel Heads"

We have been informed that the Islamic terrorists do not like to be called "Towel Heads." The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet. Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "little sheet heads."
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Old 06-10-2004, 07:47 PM   #1581
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Chas,
Is that what is known as a Little Red Riding Hood.
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Old 06-10-2004, 08:55 PM   #1582
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Subject: The Scotsman


One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert
island for over 10 years, sees an unusual speck on the
horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to
himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he
begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat,
then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop-dead
gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wetsuit and scuba
gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him,
"Tell me how long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?" Ten years," replies the Scot.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof
pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of
fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a
long drag and says, "Achh, that is splendid!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of
good malt scotch?" she purrs. Trembling, the castaway
replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a
flask and hands it to him.
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Old 06-11-2004, 05:39 PM   #1583
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And? ....and?
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Old 06-11-2004, 08:02 PM   #1584
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Subject: Redneck Vasectomy


After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was
expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a
cherry bomb," (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabaman said to the doctor, "I may not be the sharpest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.

DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 06-11-2004, 08:22 PM   #1585
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His cousin.

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Old 06-11-2004, 08:43 PM   #1586
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"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." - Rodney Dangerfield
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Old 06-11-2004, 11:06 PM   #1587
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The rest of the joke - See above

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Oh by
God, it's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long
zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit. She
looks at the man and asks huskily, "And how long has
it been since you've played around? With tears in his
eyes, the big Scot falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh,
sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in
there!" "
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Old 06-12-2004, 06:28 AM   #1588
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Clubs by TITleist?

Please correct these definitions as necessary:

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

12. PARADOX: Two physicians

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
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Old 06-12-2004, 10:22 AM   #1589
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Thank you Charles.
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Old 06-15-2004, 04:52 PM   #1590
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The scene is a park bench on a sunny afternoon...

Two retired men are sitting on the bench watching the time go by. There is an old hound dog lying on the ground in front of them. The old dog lifts it's hind leg and begins to lick his privates as they seem to be prone to do.

One of the old men says to the other, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."

After a short pause, the other old man says, "Well, go ahead, he looks like a friendly dog!"
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