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Old 05-22-2004, 08:32 AM   #1546
LadyGodiva
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Quote:
Originally posted by Maurizio Bertoli
Eli:

Say no mo'! That's really, REALLY bad!!
But being half Portuguese and half Lebanese and he lives in Trinidad, how come he knows about the Chinese torture??!
And another question: If just by looking at you wearing a swimming suit a guy could have administred the Chinese thing to him, what did he do the the blind guy who pinched your tush??! (On a second thought, I don't wanna know! I could be too bloody graphic for me to handle!!)

It's a good thing it wasn't the hubby, or else you'd have some serious explanation to do about your three children!!
You know what? I was kinda fantazising about coming to OK and personally deliver to you some of my famous recipes in ... kinda a "private" setting, but after all this information I think I'll pass, thank you!!
Ciao,
Maurizio

Maurizio dearest,

My husband only knows about the two children I had for him.... I see you 'slipped' and mentioned a third one

When he finds out about this, I'm not sure what he's going to do to YOU since you must have helped me out there

He's Portuguese and English

P.S. I'm still waiting on those recipes. Looks like Italian guys take a long time to deliver
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Old 05-24-2004, 05:37 PM   #1547
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cat n mouse

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Old 05-24-2004, 05:37 PM   #1548
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Male Test

This is a test for men only and "ALL REAL MEN" will answer "C" to these questions. However, women will also benefit by reviewing them, so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence
B. Idealism
C. Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope (but not on the lips)!
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.


4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.


5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relation-ship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.


6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?


7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "We have THREE of them?"


8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, (but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear.


9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. The Remote Control.


10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
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Old 05-25-2004, 06:43 PM   #1549
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A man was in a terrible auto accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, $14,000 for large.

The man was sure he would want medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
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Old 05-25-2004, 07:22 PM   #1550
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Old 05-26-2004, 10:13 AM   #1551
jjwq8
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Which part of the kitchen did she want to look like Meat and Two Veg
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Old 05-26-2004, 01:19 PM   #1552
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Old 05-26-2004, 04:11 PM   #1553
Maurizio Bertoli
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Mike:
They may be stoogees, but what are we, considering that we put them there??!!
Ciao,
Maurizio
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Old 05-26-2004, 04:25 PM   #1554
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You sure no how to ask embarrassing questions MB.

Perhaps the answer to your question is many voters misinterpreted what punching out the "Dickum" chad truly meant.
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Old 05-26-2004, 06:21 PM   #1555
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Doctor Dave

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The sense of guilt was ovrwhelming.

Every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. You're single. Just let go..."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering...

"Dave, you're a veterinarian."
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Old 05-26-2004, 06:30 PM   #1556
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Old 05-27-2004, 05:32 PM   #1557
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SOUTHERNISMS

1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.

3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

4. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.

5. It's so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.

6. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.

7. This is gooder'n grits.

8. I've been busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.

9. Happy as a clam at high tide.

10. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

11. (my all time favorite) Grinning like a mule with a mouth full of briars.
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Old 05-27-2004, 10:11 PM   #1558
Mike2
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Take the Cat Test

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person can't.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an cat
This is old cat
This is person cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down.
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Old 05-27-2004, 10:20 PM   #1559
LadyGodiva
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Re: Doctor Dave

Quote:
Originally posted by mrosspa
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The sense of guilt was ovrwhelming.

Every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. You're single. Just let go..."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering...

"Dave, you're a veterinarian."
]


That's hilarious!!!

Some men
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Old 05-27-2004, 11:38 PM   #1560
Maurizio Bertoli
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Eli:
OH BOY!!! ... 'nuf teasing!! Now you've GOTTA tell me who's the lady in the picture or I will never talk to you again!!!

Okay, ... let's try the sweeter approach:

"I've got two finger-licking-good Italian recipes ready for you if you tell me who's the lady in the picture!..."

Oh, BTW, once I've heard of a lady by the name Dave!... My dog's veterinarian is a lady ...
Some women! ...

Ciao,
Maurizio

Last edited by Maurizio Bertoli; 05-27-2004 at 11:44 PM.
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