new joke

[kate42]

Originally Posted by Tim

Well, finally a photo of 'Little Johnny' has surfaced.

See if you can find him in the picture!

Oh yes, I found "Little Johnny".
My Uncle John was "Little Johnny" too. Full of the devil he was. He had that twinkle of mischief in his eye. I do miss him.

Laz

I"ve seen the joke before, but it still makes me giggle.

[Lazarus]

Found this in an old Email and actually found a very close link to it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The following is an actual question given on a
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Here is the professor's "Bonus Question":
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Kris during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven . . . thereby proving the
existence of a divine being . . . which explains why, last night, Kris
kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A”

http://www.pinetree.net/humor/thermodynamics.html

[Bill Vincent]

I was confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

[kate42]

I can think of another 'service' that does not involve bulls, but with the same end results.

[johntrent]

[stullis]

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of
Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he
heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless
Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees
shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about
and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go
Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into
the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from
the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off
the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their
pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the
back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. “I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have
heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic
environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not
true.”

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who the heck was
that guy?”

“Dude, that was the Pope,” another replied. “He's in direct contact
with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.”

“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't
know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we
need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?”

[silvercitytile]

As ben franklin said:
in wine there is wisdom
in beer there is freedom
in water there is bacteria

in a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of watereach day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of escherichia coli, (e.coli)-bacteria found in feces.

in other words we are consuming1 kilo of poop.

however, we do NOT run that risk whendrinking beer & wine( or tequila, rum, whiskey orother liquer),
because alchohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering, and/or fermenting.

remember:
water=poop
beer= health

therefore, it's better to drink beer and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.


no need to thank me

[cx]

And you learnt about the drinkin' beer and talkin' stoopid part just how, Jeffy?

[kate42]

Originally Posted by Kelly

And you learnt about the drinkin' beer and talkin' stoopid part just how, Jeffy?

I guess there's nothing like first hand experience.

[silvercitytile]

hehe

[lou432]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart .

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit..'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either........

[kate42]

Check for Alzheimer's

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat..
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on

[Davestone]

red neck on the jury
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

[ob1kanobee]

Nancy Pelosi was touring the countryside in a
chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the
road, they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop.
Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the
chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal
is dead but it was old.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy.

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered,
hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened
his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up
meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Nancy. '

I just knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said
to them: 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed
the old cow.'

[jjwq8]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continent is sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Canadians and the British, not to be outdone are sending two million replacement Pakistanis!