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Old 03-05-2017, 05:05 PM   #4876
Lazarus
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Once a Marine, Always a Marine...

What can I say? Love this....




A minister was seated on a plane bound from
Hong Kong to the US with a stopover in Honolulu ...

After the stopover a crusty old Marine
boarded and as fate would have it he was
seated next to the minister.

After the plane was airborne, to
continue on it’s journey,
drink orders were taken.

The Flight Attendant asked the Marine if he
wanted a drink? The soldier asked for Rum & Coke,
which was prepared and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the
minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust.....

"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The ole Marine then handed his drink
back to the attendant and said,

"Me too, I didn't know
we had a choice."
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Old 03-30-2017, 04:00 PM   #4877
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An Australian's Accident Report...

Seen this before....but, still good.






AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S ACCIDENT REPORT

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of our Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident..

You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.
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Old 03-30-2017, 06:12 PM   #4878
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Old 03-30-2017, 08:21 PM   #4879
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Back in communist Czech I knew a girl. As a kid, she lived with her family in small town. She told me she couldn't wait to grow up and get out of the town. Her father worked in factory where all people from her town worked, everyone. He lost finger while working on some lath machine. After he recovered, OSHA as part of injury prevention program ask him to show other workers how it happened. They asked him pretty much to repeat what he did. He lost another finger. The whole town knew within 60 min.
Czech humor is very similar to British, she said her father gained lots of funny and notsofunny nicknames, if they wanted to go out, they drove to another town, buys wouldn't go out with her....
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Old 03-31-2017, 02:22 AM   #4880
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Laz,, The joke should be sung. with a beer in hand.



Mythbusters even did a barrel of bricks https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vt230Pd1oSo


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Old 04-23-2017, 01:25 PM   #4881
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Old 05-03-2017, 08:53 PM   #4882
Just In Tile LLC
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"Being world class means knowing you're good, but never satisfied you're good enough"
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Old 12-21-2017, 08:59 PM   #4883
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Not many people know this.......

Little Known Fact: The Tree-Top Angel.

So you think you have bad days..... check Santa’s bad day .....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the floorboards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug and it broke into little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.
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Old 12-24-2017, 03:30 PM   #4884
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tru story

I was sent out to tile an elevator cab on a two story building. with 120 sq' of tile I called my boss to see if I was missing something,(small lobby perhaps).
His response was "are you stupid? you have the first & second floor.......idiot
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Old 12-24-2017, 04:43 PM   #4885
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Seems like an easy resolution. Just do the 60 feet and charge him for 120.
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Old 02-13-2018, 02:34 AM   #4886
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Ikea

The founder of Ikea passed,
They haven't buried him yet, still trying to put casket together.
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Her contractor said she could have it installed today.
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