new joke

[Lazarus]

An alien is flying his spacecraft over New York when he experiences a malfunction and is forced to land. He finds it to be a broken "Trollue."

He wanders into a Deli and asks the owner if he knows where he might procure a "Trollue." The owner asks him to describe it. The alien replies that "It's about this big, hard on the outside, soft on the inside with a hole in the middle." The owner pulls out a bagel and asks if it looks anything like this? The alien replies, "Yes! That looks exactly like what I need..." but knowing we have no spaceflight, asks the owner what we use them for here. The owner replies, "Well it might seem kinda strange to you, but we eat them. Why don't you try one?"

The alien is hesitant, but takes a bite and chews thoughtfully. "Hmmmm, you know, you could smear some cream cheese on this and it would taste wonderful!"

[jjwq8]

Big hairy round ones to PC. This one from Oztrylea. You have been warned, now read on................

A bloke walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: "It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story." The fella gave the owner his $12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!"

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it .... and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"Shit no!" said the bloke, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of Asians, a Poof and an Indian spin bowler.

[Davestone]

I had a flat tire yesterday, so I got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of
my car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!
They are exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

Cars started slowing down while looking at my lifelike
men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road.

Traffic started backing up. Everybody was honking their horns and waving
like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

'What's going on here?' he asked.

'My car has a flat tire,' I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know.... so I told him,

'Helloooooo, those are my Emergency Flashers.'