dgunnels
06-19-2009, 07:55 AM
This was a column posted by one of our local writers. You'll giggle, you'll cry, you'll kiss three minutes goodbye....
If I faint, assume I've been to an Auburn game
T. Gamble
Life, as we know, can at times get pretty rough. Like most folks, I've had my share of ups and downs, a large percentage of the downs caused mostly by my own behavior. But, I don't think I've ever been confronted with the recent problem of an 84-year-old Polish woman in Zwolen, Poland.
According to an UPI press report, this woman woke up in the morgue as morticians prepared her for a funeral. Apparently, the woman previously fainted and looked like me the morning after a late night Auburn football game. A doctor, responding to her husband's emergency call came to the house, declaring her dead and sending her to the morgue.
I'm surprised her husband didn't drop dead as well. Not because he thought his wife was dead, but because a doctor actually made a house call.
The mortician, obviously better trained than the doctor, "saw the woman moving" and exhibiting superior deductive reasoning, then called another Polish doctor to diagnose "her sick, but alive."
Well, I wonder what tipped him off she might still be alive? I can see it now. Doctor to mortician, "Do any of these folks in the morgue normally move?" "Well, now that you mention it doc, I can't seem to remember a single time prior to today when one of these folks has moved in the morgue." "Hmmm, maybe we should pull her off this slab and hold off on writing in the cause of death until I can look into some medical journals to see if it's normal for dead folks to move in the morgue."
I also wonder how he knew she was sick. Was it her pale, ashen look? Her rapid heartbeat? Her wide-eyed look? Believe me, if I ever woke up in a morgue, I'd exhibit all those signs and probably be described as looking sick.
Well, let me take that back, if I wake up in a morgue, no doctor would diagnose me cause I would run straight through a 10-foot wall of fire in a gasoline suit to get the you know what out of that morgue.
I know folks say dead folks can't hurt you, but that's because most folks have never hung around dead folks for any period of time and only God knows what might happen if you lie around in a morgue for a few hours with a bunch of dead folks.
In case you don't know, the average fellow who ends up in a morgue ain't exactly Pope Paul III. I do not want to be around a bunch of morgue spirits and lost souls.
Besides, what did the doctor think he was going to see? When is the last time you heard of anyone being described as robust and fit while lying on a slab in the morgue.
Let's face it, there are plenty of Polish jokes to go around but this Polish doctor doesn't do much to bust the stereotype. The first tip off your doctor may not be top notch is if his follow-up visits for treatment with his patient occur at the morgue. A close second is if "seeing the patient move" is his guide post for reversing declarations of death.
The article says she is now in intensive care in a Zwolen hospital. Well, I don't know what her condition is, but I'm pretty sure the problem is not her heart. If I awakened in a morgue, I'd have three heart attacks, one stroke and a bowel movement that would make Ex-Lax proud before I could even get off the slab.
As for me, if I faint in the yard, don't take me to the morgue. Leave me in the yard for three days, if my hands and feet stick up in the air like a dead armadillo, then take me. Otherwise, assume I've just been to another Auburn game
If I faint, assume I've been to an Auburn game
T. Gamble
Life, as we know, can at times get pretty rough. Like most folks, I've had my share of ups and downs, a large percentage of the downs caused mostly by my own behavior. But, I don't think I've ever been confronted with the recent problem of an 84-year-old Polish woman in Zwolen, Poland.
According to an UPI press report, this woman woke up in the morgue as morticians prepared her for a funeral. Apparently, the woman previously fainted and looked like me the morning after a late night Auburn football game. A doctor, responding to her husband's emergency call came to the house, declaring her dead and sending her to the morgue.
I'm surprised her husband didn't drop dead as well. Not because he thought his wife was dead, but because a doctor actually made a house call.
The mortician, obviously better trained than the doctor, "saw the woman moving" and exhibiting superior deductive reasoning, then called another Polish doctor to diagnose "her sick, but alive."
Well, I wonder what tipped him off she might still be alive? I can see it now. Doctor to mortician, "Do any of these folks in the morgue normally move?" "Well, now that you mention it doc, I can't seem to remember a single time prior to today when one of these folks has moved in the morgue." "Hmmm, maybe we should pull her off this slab and hold off on writing in the cause of death until I can look into some medical journals to see if it's normal for dead folks to move in the morgue."
I also wonder how he knew she was sick. Was it her pale, ashen look? Her rapid heartbeat? Her wide-eyed look? Believe me, if I ever woke up in a morgue, I'd exhibit all those signs and probably be described as looking sick.
Well, let me take that back, if I wake up in a morgue, no doctor would diagnose me cause I would run straight through a 10-foot wall of fire in a gasoline suit to get the you know what out of that morgue.
I know folks say dead folks can't hurt you, but that's because most folks have never hung around dead folks for any period of time and only God knows what might happen if you lie around in a morgue for a few hours with a bunch of dead folks.
In case you don't know, the average fellow who ends up in a morgue ain't exactly Pope Paul III. I do not want to be around a bunch of morgue spirits and lost souls.
Besides, what did the doctor think he was going to see? When is the last time you heard of anyone being described as robust and fit while lying on a slab in the morgue.
Let's face it, there are plenty of Polish jokes to go around but this Polish doctor doesn't do much to bust the stereotype. The first tip off your doctor may not be top notch is if his follow-up visits for treatment with his patient occur at the morgue. A close second is if "seeing the patient move" is his guide post for reversing declarations of death.
The article says she is now in intensive care in a Zwolen hospital. Well, I don't know what her condition is, but I'm pretty sure the problem is not her heart. If I awakened in a morgue, I'd have three heart attacks, one stroke and a bowel movement that would make Ex-Lax proud before I could even get off the slab.
As for me, if I faint in the yard, don't take me to the morgue. Leave me in the yard for three days, if my hands and feet stick up in the air like a dead armadillo, then take me. Otherwise, assume I've just been to another Auburn game