Cruise Director
12-04-2002, 01:59 AM
I frequent quite a few different forums. One of them happens to have quite a few people that work retail. I posted this a while back and got quite a response. It's a "tongue-in-cheek" guide to retail. I hope you enjoy it:
A=A$@hole. Don't be one. I don't come to your job and turn in to a butt pucker, so why should you do that to me?
B=Baskets. Why must you always ask where the baskets are? Don't most places generally keep a large supply somewhere near the entrance? I'm not hiding them behind the building. Honest.
C=Children. Control yours. Contrary to popular belief, I am not your babysitter. Nothing excites me more than getting to watch your kids while you shop.
D=Discount. No. You may not have one. Where is it that you shop that gives you a discount just for asking? Those 20 2x4's don't qualify as a "major" purchase, either. This is not a swap meet. I am not a car salesman. The sticker price is the price.
E=Ethics. Have some. Don’t rip open bags for a discount. Don’t drop a mirror in my parking lot and come back in for me to replace it.
F=Fun. This job could be. In fact, we could make it fun for you to shop here, too, if you help control the above mentioned "A's."
G=Gratuity. A “thank you” goes a long way towards me wanting to help you next time you are in my store. Last time I checked, my helping you was a service that granted, I get paid to do, but is still something you couldn’t do alone and a good, warm “thanks” will make my day
H=Human. I am. All my employees are. We cannot control shipping lines, vendor backorders, or the alignment of the planets. If your product is stuck someplace and hasn’t arrived yet, being an “A” will not help the situation. I cannot go find the big, slow boat from China to get your lampshade here any quicker.
I=Interested. As in, “I’m not really interested in how you want to build birdhouses out of wax toilet rings and roofing tar.” Please tell me what it is you need so I can assist you and move on to the next customer needing assistance.
J=Job. This is mine. You have yours. Treat me like I was at your job and you were assisting me.
K=Kittens. Animals are great and I enjoy letting you bring them in to my store and shop. They seem to make customers and employees alike generally happy. Please be prepared to clean the poop when they make a mess.
L=Lie. Don’t lie to me. “I spend thousands of dollars in this place!” Do you think that I wouldn’t know you if you were really spending a lot of money in my place? I take great pride in knowing my good customers by name and, YOU!, by dropping the spending card have just made my “A” list. (Please see A above.)
M=Maintainence. Sometimes we have to do some. Saws and paint shakers break down sometimes. So does the key-making machine and an occasional forklift. It costs me money to have this stuff not in operation so believe me when I tell you I am not intentionally breaking things to anger you. I will get it fixed as soon as humanly possible. Please deal with it.
N=Notice. Please “notice” that you are not the only one here. Everybody needs help and we will get to you as soon as possible. Interrupting me while I’m assisting someone else will not get your problem solved any faster. In fact… it will probably slow me down.
O=Open. We are open 16 out of 24 hours per day. Please don’t be angry when you show up a half hour after we close and yell stuff at me like “Why don’t you stay open an hour later?!?!” Here’s an idea: Why don’t YOU get up an hour earlier?
P=Patience. Try some out. The whole world is not coming to a standstill because you have something that needs to be done. Contrary to popular belief, you are not the only person in the place at the present moment.
Q=Questions. Ask away. We love you to stroke our egos and by asking questions you are doing just that. Please make them somewhat intelligent. Do not come in to my hardware store and ask where the bakery is. Also, see letter “D.”
R=Retail. That’s what this is. You are not a contractor so please don’t try and act like one to get a discount. (By the way, it was a dead giveaway when you asked the wrong “Q’s”)
S=Saturdays and Sundays. They are busy. In fact, you people that work Monday thru Friday seem to pick these two days to do all of your shopping. Please don’t get upset when you are waiting in a line and ALL of my registers are going. I can’t break out the cigar box and calculator and take your money. See “O” for ways around this little problem.
T=Tax. You must pay it. I don’t care what religion you are, what farm you grow stuff on or what government organization you think you represent. If you don’t have your tax I.D. number, you will pay tax.
U=Ugly. The paint and wallpaper you picked out is exactly that. Please don’t ask my opinion or I am likely to give it to you.
V=Vulgar. I am trying to help you. I curse like a sailor in my off time but at work, the second you get “vulgar” with me is when I go in to defense mode. Chances are you will be asked to leave or hung up on. They don’t pay me enough to take the same abuse as your spouse and your kids, pal.
W=Willing. I am willing to help you if you are willing to be a good customer. We can also make this a “win-win” situation in the aspect that you are nice to me and I do everything possible to accommodate your needs.
X=X-ray. I can not see in to your brain. If you send someone in with a list, please give me some good explanation as to what you want. Pictures don’t really help when you draw it with a nail in to a piece of drywall, either.
Y=Yesterday. “They did it that way yesterday.” Well, sir, policies change. Just because we gave cash to crack heads for stolen merchandise without a receipt yesterday does not mean we are doing it today.
Z=Zoo. Some days I feel like I work in one.
Please use the above guide while shopping in my store. It will make a better shopping experience for the both of us. Use this guide and I won’t come to your job and make a scene, either. I think it should be a law that everyone work a retail job for one year of their life. It would make for a kinder, gentler society.
A=A$@hole. Don't be one. I don't come to your job and turn in to a butt pucker, so why should you do that to me?
B=Baskets. Why must you always ask where the baskets are? Don't most places generally keep a large supply somewhere near the entrance? I'm not hiding them behind the building. Honest.
C=Children. Control yours. Contrary to popular belief, I am not your babysitter. Nothing excites me more than getting to watch your kids while you shop.
D=Discount. No. You may not have one. Where is it that you shop that gives you a discount just for asking? Those 20 2x4's don't qualify as a "major" purchase, either. This is not a swap meet. I am not a car salesman. The sticker price is the price.
E=Ethics. Have some. Don’t rip open bags for a discount. Don’t drop a mirror in my parking lot and come back in for me to replace it.
F=Fun. This job could be. In fact, we could make it fun for you to shop here, too, if you help control the above mentioned "A's."
G=Gratuity. A “thank you” goes a long way towards me wanting to help you next time you are in my store. Last time I checked, my helping you was a service that granted, I get paid to do, but is still something you couldn’t do alone and a good, warm “thanks” will make my day
H=Human. I am. All my employees are. We cannot control shipping lines, vendor backorders, or the alignment of the planets. If your product is stuck someplace and hasn’t arrived yet, being an “A” will not help the situation. I cannot go find the big, slow boat from China to get your lampshade here any quicker.
I=Interested. As in, “I’m not really interested in how you want to build birdhouses out of wax toilet rings and roofing tar.” Please tell me what it is you need so I can assist you and move on to the next customer needing assistance.
J=Job. This is mine. You have yours. Treat me like I was at your job and you were assisting me.
K=Kittens. Animals are great and I enjoy letting you bring them in to my store and shop. They seem to make customers and employees alike generally happy. Please be prepared to clean the poop when they make a mess.
L=Lie. Don’t lie to me. “I spend thousands of dollars in this place!” Do you think that I wouldn’t know you if you were really spending a lot of money in my place? I take great pride in knowing my good customers by name and, YOU!, by dropping the spending card have just made my “A” list. (Please see A above.)
M=Maintainence. Sometimes we have to do some. Saws and paint shakers break down sometimes. So does the key-making machine and an occasional forklift. It costs me money to have this stuff not in operation so believe me when I tell you I am not intentionally breaking things to anger you. I will get it fixed as soon as humanly possible. Please deal with it.
N=Notice. Please “notice” that you are not the only one here. Everybody needs help and we will get to you as soon as possible. Interrupting me while I’m assisting someone else will not get your problem solved any faster. In fact… it will probably slow me down.
O=Open. We are open 16 out of 24 hours per day. Please don’t be angry when you show up a half hour after we close and yell stuff at me like “Why don’t you stay open an hour later?!?!” Here’s an idea: Why don’t YOU get up an hour earlier?
P=Patience. Try some out. The whole world is not coming to a standstill because you have something that needs to be done. Contrary to popular belief, you are not the only person in the place at the present moment.
Q=Questions. Ask away. We love you to stroke our egos and by asking questions you are doing just that. Please make them somewhat intelligent. Do not come in to my hardware store and ask where the bakery is. Also, see letter “D.”
R=Retail. That’s what this is. You are not a contractor so please don’t try and act like one to get a discount. (By the way, it was a dead giveaway when you asked the wrong “Q’s”)
S=Saturdays and Sundays. They are busy. In fact, you people that work Monday thru Friday seem to pick these two days to do all of your shopping. Please don’t get upset when you are waiting in a line and ALL of my registers are going. I can’t break out the cigar box and calculator and take your money. See “O” for ways around this little problem.
T=Tax. You must pay it. I don’t care what religion you are, what farm you grow stuff on or what government organization you think you represent. If you don’t have your tax I.D. number, you will pay tax.
U=Ugly. The paint and wallpaper you picked out is exactly that. Please don’t ask my opinion or I am likely to give it to you.
V=Vulgar. I am trying to help you. I curse like a sailor in my off time but at work, the second you get “vulgar” with me is when I go in to defense mode. Chances are you will be asked to leave or hung up on. They don’t pay me enough to take the same abuse as your spouse and your kids, pal.
W=Willing. I am willing to help you if you are willing to be a good customer. We can also make this a “win-win” situation in the aspect that you are nice to me and I do everything possible to accommodate your needs.
X=X-ray. I can not see in to your brain. If you send someone in with a list, please give me some good explanation as to what you want. Pictures don’t really help when you draw it with a nail in to a piece of drywall, either.
Y=Yesterday. “They did it that way yesterday.” Well, sir, policies change. Just because we gave cash to crack heads for stolen merchandise without a receipt yesterday does not mean we are doing it today.
Z=Zoo. Some days I feel like I work in one.
Please use the above guide while shopping in my store. It will make a better shopping experience for the both of us. Use this guide and I won’t come to your job and make a scene, either. I think it should be a law that everyone work a retail job for one year of their life. It would make for a kinder, gentler society.