***NOT QUITE THE COMEDY STORE***

[Bud Cline]

A teacher of young grade school students was demonstrating an experiment with her pupils.

She blindfolded the class, and one pupil at a time she placed a Lifesavers candy on their tongues. She then asked the student to identify the flavor and the color associated with that taste.

“Mary what is this” the teacher asked the first student.
Mary replied; “it tastes like lemon it is the yellow one”.

“Robert what is this” the teacher asked the second student.
Robert replied; “it tastes like lime and it is the green one”.

“Very good your doing great” the teacher said. "Now,
Jennifer what is this”?
Jennifer replied “ oh that’s easy, this one is cherry and it’s the red one”.

“Excellent” said the teacher.

“OK John, which one is this” the teacher asked John as she placed the honey lifesaver on his tongue.
John hesitated then said, “I’m not sure”.

The teacher told John; “This one is a little different but it should be a very familiar taste to you, what do you think it is”?
John tasted a little longer then said; “I’m still not sure teacher”.

“OK here’s your last clues John”; said the teacher, “It is round with a hole in it and it is what your mommy calls your daddy sometimes”.

From the back of the class a student screams; “Spit it out John it’s an asshole”. ;)

[Sponsored Links]

[Bud Cline]

OK THEN, how about this one?


An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[John Bridge]

Is this gonna be a LONG story?

[Bud Cline]

Yeh well if Daisey had made those last two posts your servers would be smokin' by now John.

What's the subject line say? It says "NOT QUITE". It was just an idea, "they can't all be good you know?

[John Bridge]

Okay, so there was this traveling salesman, see? And he knocked on the farmhouse door, see? He needed a place to stay, see? The farmer says, well, you'll have to sleep with my . . . .

[Bud Cline]

Oh I get it. Youse guys don't know no jokes huh? Well I wouldn't have those two if I didn't have teenagers in the house. (That have email) (and use my ISP) (and PAY NOTHING)(and use MY computer) (and printer, my god they print a lot of stuff) (and PAY NOTHING) (and the ink, wow the ink) (and PAY NOTHING)

[cx]

Ahhh, Bud. The joys of parenthood. Just remember (and repeat to yourself over and over) that we were all born single and without children - and that you could have stayed that way.

Will that make you feel better? Oh, yeah, it really will! tehehehe.

[Bud Cline]

I feel so much better already, about the same as I'd feel just after a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

Where is Boerne, sounds familiar but can't place it.

[cx]

Boerne's on I-10 about 35 NW of San Antonio.

Soon to be the home of a new HOME DEPOT! Soon I'll never have to go to town again! That, my friends, would be my idea of Nirvana.

[cx]

Speaking of a poke inna eye with a sharp stick, did y'alls newspapers show the xray of the dude what got shot right below his eye with a nail from a pee-new-matic framing gun? All the boy ended up with was a mean headache, apparently, but it's gotta get your full attention.

Now, I know y'all tile pukes don't never play with dangerous toys like that at work, but other peoples do and you gotta be careful. Wasn't him shot hisself, his hepper shot thru a board and put that nail clean into him up till the head was set enough to need putty, right under his eye ball.

Cuidado! out there.

[chip]

Well, you see, this young couple had run into financial difficulties.
They had been trying to find a way to get out of the jam that they had gotten themselves into.
One day the husband suggests to his wife that they could make a lot of money and be debt free in no time if she were to become a prostitute.
Well she wasn't so sure, she said " I wouldn't know what to do!!"
The husband said " All you have to do is say $100.00 & when he pays you, do what he asks."
Well the first day on the job, a big ole' African American fella pulls over in his car. The wife gets in and says " Hi, it will be $100.00."
The gentleman, frees himself,the astonished house wife, has never seen anything so big in her life.
The gentlemen says, " I have only got $25.00"
The wife says "Can you wait right here? I'll be right back"
She gets out of the car and goes around the corner, where her husband is waiting in the family car.
He says "Well that was fast, how was it?"
She says "It's going great, can you loan this guy $75.00"

Ta da da da da, ta da da da da, ta da dada.......

[Bud Cline]

("I can hear the rimshot")

[John Bridge]

There's another town just out of New Braunfels (on the way to Canyon Lake) that is spelled something like that. Are we talking about the same place? Not on I-10 though. Think it's right off 35.

I saw the pic of the guy who had the nail in his head. One muy lucky hombre, no?

So Art, Did her husband give her the $75?

[JC]

So there is this family from the outback of the Amazon and
they are visiting New York for there first time ever in a big city.
Upon arriving the father and son enter the hotel where they see this shiny silver wall opening up reveiling a small room.
Baffeled they watched it for awile as an old lady in a wheelchair goes inside it and presses a button and the doors shut.
Then they watch these funny lights with numbers on them blink...1-2-3-4...4-3-2-1
A few minutes later the doors open and a very bueatiful young lady comes walking out.
Amazed the father stares at her a minute and then says to his son....quick go get your mother!

[Bud Cline]

Hey Art,

You heard this one?

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

[Bud Cline]

For the past three weeks I've been experiencing some discomfort in my lower back. This isn't the usual cronic back pain that we all suffer, this is a little different. So the more it bothers me the more I convince myself I have a kidney infection. As days pass without any relief I now am convinced that I have kidney cancer or something fatal so I make a doctors appointment and tell them over the phone about my symptoms.

This morning I'm in the doctors waiting room and my name is called. As I walk across the waiting room (full of patients) the nurse meets me half way handing me a plastic cup and saying here Bud you know what we need. (Just slightly embarrassing in front of all those people)

I do my thing, drop my cup off at the lab and return to the waiting room. Now there is no place to sit so I stand.

Waiting, waiting, I walk across the room to the magazine rack and then back to where I was standing. All these people are looking at me probably because of what that stupid nurse did with that stupid plastic cup earlier.

My Doctor for the past eight years is a woman. She is great and we get along swimmingly. I wouldn't necessarily discuss everything with her but when the time comes I will talk to her husband who is also a doctor. They finally take me to an examining room. She (the doc) comes into my examining room and says "Good morning Bud, you look like hell you feeling ok"? "Yeh I feel better than ever that's why I'm here", I tell her.

She is just plain super people, so I more or less ignore her comment and tell her of my symptoms. We talk for a short time. My lab results arrive and they are negative.

At this point she suggests I not do things that are strenuous for the next three weeks. Yeh right! She decides nothing is wrong and I must have suffered an unusual strain to my lower back. That's all.

On my way out (me walking in front of her) she is saying "Now Bud, remember, you've got to get more rest, get some excercise, drink more fluids in this heat, and no strenuous activity for three weeks". "Yes ma'am" I say.

"Oh and Bud" she says, "One more thing". "What's that"? I ask.

"You might want to zip your pants".

[tileprof]

bud this is not a prejudice joke ok!



if white storks bring white babies,
and black storks bring black babies,
and yellow storks bring yellow babies
what kind of bird brings no babies?????

[John Bridge]

I give.

[tileprof]

a swallow

[LDavis]

I get it. A swallow's too small to actually carry a baby, unlike a stork! Right? Maybe I should take another swallow of this beer, swallow my ignorance, and contemplate the "oral" possibilities here.

Thank God for Bill Clinton, otherwise I might think this was a "sexually" oriented joke!

[flatfloor]

Uri, you may know this guy:

Comes into Sidney, first time in his life in a big city, checks into a very good hotel and asks the bellboy if he knows any sportin Ladies.

The Bellboy makes the arrangements and shortly after the lady appears, he welcomes her and begins moving all the furniture into the hall.

She; What are you doing?

He: Luv, were going to need all the room we can get if your anything like a kangaroo.

[Rob Z]

Can't tell either of those to Mom!

[Bud Cline]

"Oh Great"! John now we need a "porn" Forum.

Unless of course we were to stop with what we have and not allow it to escalate.

What do you say folks?

[Rob Z]

I don't like to be a stick in the "mud", but I'd agree that we should keep some sense of "Decorum on the Forum".

After all, we have John's Good Name to uphold. Or something like that.

[John Bridge]

I would also like to keep it cleaned up. Rob's mom may be watching.

[chip]

They get pulled over by a State Trooper.

The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down his window and, WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with his night stick.

The driver asks " what was that for?"

The cop answers, "Your in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.

The driver says "I'm sorry officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guys license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and, WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "what did you do that for?"

The cop says, " Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddie, "I wish that asshole would've tried that with me!"

[LDavis]

Hey, I know that trooper.

[Bud Cline]

Art,

My wife just came up from downstairs to see what I was crying about. LMAO!

[flatfloor]

I didn't think the kangaroo was all that bad, but Ok.

Now did you hear about the tatooed lady and the parrot? Well it....

[Bud Cline]

Art,

Kangaroo, kangaroo, kangaroo? What the hell are you talking about?

OH yeh! I remember now. Nevermind.

[flatfloor]

Bud, just read an article about Alzheimers and one of the first signs ia mixing people up.

[Bud Cline]

I did it again didn't I? Well there are too many "flats" here and as you can see I get confused easily. One of you guys need to change your handle so I can keep up.

[John Bridge]

Well the lady didn't have any tattoos, and she was quite good looking.

She walked past a pet shop where there was a parrot sitting outside on a perch.

Parrot: "Hey lady, you sure are ugly."

Lady passes again on her way home from work.

Parrot: "Hey lady, you sure are ugly."

Lady is upset and approaches the manager, telling him she'll sue if he doesn't do something to control the parrot.

Next morning as she passes, the parrot speaks.

Parrot: "Hey lady."

Lady: "What?"

Parrot: "You know."

[Bud Cline]

Support your local DAMM Chapter.
(Drunks Against Mad Mothers)

[Bud Cline]

Sporting a black eye, a young man boarded his plane for a cross-country flight. When he found his seat, he discovered that the man next to him also had a black eye. "Nice shiner!" the young man said, "Mind if I ask how you got it?"

"Not at all." The second man replied. "It was a tongue-twister accident. I was at the ticket counter and this beautiful blonde with the most perfect shape and beautiful smile you've ever seen was standing in line. So instead of saying I wanted the best seat on the plane, I said (staring at her chest)I wanted the breast seat on the plane, so she punched me in the eye".

"Wow!" the young man exclaimed. "Mine is the result of a tongue-twister too!"

"What did you say?" the second man asked.

The young man replied, "I meant to say please pass the
butter” but instead I said: “You ruined my life, you evil self-centered wide-bottomed bitch”!

[chip]

I need 2 pickets for Tittsburgh, please.

[Bud Cline]

Found posted in the Physical Planning Office at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Author unknown.

Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

Bid - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

Low Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he left out.

Engineer's Estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.

Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

Critical Path Method - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney--usually applied at random with a shotgun.

Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin.

Liquidated Damages - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

Auditor - Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded.

Lawyer - Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.

[Bud Cline]

What do ceramic tile and men have in common?

If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!

[chip]

Husker fan? It's not your hair color.

Traveling salesman, now that is much better than I anticipated.

Thanks, John.

Art

[LDavis]

Bud, with respect to the "dictionary of construction terminology", LMAO! Interesting how the closer to fact/truth a joke comes, the funnier it seems to be. I needed that.

[Bud Cline]

Hits home don't it? I still chuckle when I read it.