Help me decide what to do??

[opiethetileman]

As we all know my mother passed and she was cremated now her family will not return her to me what she I do. She didnt have a written will and I want her back in my home. I have already put a test tube of her ashes in the house where we grew up. How much ground do I have to stand on??? They ( her sister) took her to another state. Should I get that state authoritys envolved to remove the urn to return it home. Afetr she passed they cleaned her house out. I was so upset and still am. Things i bought my mother years ago I wanted to put in my office and now I cant. I have a very short temper and scared this is casuing the next hatfield and Mcoy feud. But I am standing my ground and want her returned to me. what do you guys think?? I know some of you out there have lost mom and pop in the past what did you do to get this far?? I am still having bad bad nitemare at nite over her death. I have almost wrecked my truck 3 times because I saw her in the passenger seat. A few months has past and I lost my touch and gave up on myself. I am working so hard to get that niche back. So days I just want to give up totally and quit and some days I dont and this urn is bothering me.

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[tilesnake]

Keep it simple, take a road trip and switch your moms ashes with a pile of bon fire ashes no one will be the wiser, just make sure you tell them what you did about five years down the road just for a little icing on the cake!

Snake.

[turracemsar]

If your mom didn't have a will was her estate probated? Typically, where a person dies without a will the state where she died has laws regarding how the estate is distributed. As always, you might want to check with a lawyer so you don't let your emotions decide your living arrangements for the next few years.

[flatfloor]

Who paid for the funeral?

Opie, no matter where the ashes are, she will always be with you.

[Davy]

Hi Opie, I don't know anything about the legal side, can't say there. It's hard for any of us to know what's best for you. But, you did ask for our opinion. I would let it ride for a while. I wouldn't pursue her ashes at this time, you don't need that right now. I would try to think about the good times, the fun times with your mother as you were growing up. Those memories can't be taken from you. More memories will come back to you as you think about it, things and times you haven't thought about in years. I'll bet that's what your mother would want you to do. Take care of yourself.

[Eric Philson]

My guess is that what you really want is what you can never have again... your mom. Those ashes are not her, they are only the cinders of a lifeless carcass. As far as the family members who took her stuff, how petty of them. Your mom is gone and all you want is her back, but the other family members had already turned their eyes to the booty. That is flat out cold.

Look guy, don't involve yourself with this garbage. You have everything of your moms that really means anything, and that is her love. none of the rest has lasting value. It may infuriate you well enough, and it should, but diving into a dispute with this type of people will only intensify the pain and bitterness and keep the wound open longer. Let morons be morons and don't shadow her memory with these people and issues.

My 2 cents

Eric

[NVC]

Hi Opie,
What Davy and Eric said.

Sounds like you already have what the others never will. My guess is in time you’ll actually pity their ignorance. You’ve already won.

Hope ya feel like you’ve won soon.

Prayers out to you and your own.

Mark

P.S. keep the ol’ .50 in the gun safe for a bit. :)

[Airborne]

I got no satisfying answers, Op, but I can say pain mellows with time. You are certainly in our thoughts (all of us) and prayers (the intelligent design crowd :) ).

BTW, if you need somebody to cover you and Davestone is busy, gimme a shout. :rolleyes:

[LadyGodiva]

Opie, that's a tough one but many have given you good advice. My dad didn't leave a will either, and I've been trying to help my mother the best way I could. I can understand you wanting her ashes, but for now you've got to take care of YOU. In time, your family might see the harm they're doing. One can only hope and pray for that. By the way, who paid for the funeral?

I miss my father terribly, and would dearly love to see him or touch him one last time. However, I believe that once your loved one passes away, that's it. They don't come back and they do not communicate. All we've got are the memories, and I try to focus on those. I take it one day at a time. At first I was really getting myself sick (physically), and one day I woke up in such a panic that I thought I was going to lose it. That was enough to make me get a grip on reality and to realise that my father was dead, but I was in the land of the living and that meant that I had to take care of myself and LIVE.

Hang in there.

[tilesnake]

Put her ashes in there pepper shaker??

[LadyGodiva]

TileS, why am I never 'surprised' by your responses? :uhh:

[madmax]

Keep it simple, take a road trip and switch your moms ashes with a pile of bon fire ashes no one will be the wiser, just make sure you tell them what you did about five years down the road just for a little icing on the cake!

Snake.

I agree. Once you get the ashes I think you should wear a small vile of the ashes around your neck like Angeline Jolie.

[kwangtzu]

Opie, I lost my Dad a few years back and know that the grief can be overwelming, fortuately my family stuck together and we all came out of it OK. Even the thoughts (if not the prayers) of the non-intelligent design crowd are with you.

You might want to find a group of people who are going through the same thing right now so you can talk about it. I'm sure there is some sort of grief counseling in your area. Try your church or just "counseling" in the yellow pages.

Take care and don't give up.

[tileguytodd]

Sounds like you need to go on a 3 week bender .............Worked for me ;)

[opiethetileman]

Yeah its rough Todd I got so pissed at a simple thing I broke a 2x4 over a tree today. All it was was my level had some thinset on it and wasnt coming out level. I have decided to get my mothers ashes back and this wont be nice im sure. but ill deal with it. But hey tood so you offering to put up with your favorite buddy Opie for a few weeks huh. Ill be your slave.

[Muny]

Good Luck.

[Angie]

When my mom died we didn't have a plan for her ashes. The guy at the funeral home told us that it was fine to take them home in the short run but it was important to do something with them. Doing something with them was part of the letting go process. They are actually still on a shelf at my dad's house for a bunch of reasons mostly to do with weather and then letting well enough alone after awhile. But for you, maybe you are focusing on the ashes too much. His point is that we all need to let go and hanging onto the physical remains can make that more difficult. Sorry if I sound hard. As for their taking stuff of hers you wanted, is it possible for you to ask for a couple of specific things that may not be very valuable but are special to you that "they" would give you that would help? One of the things I got from my mom before she died that I really wanted were her old cats eye glasses. I just always remember her with them when I was growing up. Most people would just think they were junk and be glad to be rid of them. They are a treasure to me. Just an idea. Good luck with it though. This time healing thing is only partly true. It gives you distance and other things to think about is all. When I think about it, I'm right back in the moment. Starting to cry now thinking about it and it's been 14.5 years for me.

[FireWrks7]

What a lot of folks say here makes sense and yet, to be honest, wouldn't satsify me. I very much understand you wanting to have Her ashes with you. I'm sure it also feels like an offense how those other family members went in and "violated" Her space. It probably feels more hurtful because no one included you with what was left. More than likely a confrontation won't solve anything other than costing lots of money and creating bitter feelings. My own opinion is to quietly take your Mom's ashes and let no one be the wiser. Let them think they are number one (holding up a certain finger for emphasis) and go on about your own business. YOU have the best thing from your MOM - Her love and memories. Honor Her by showing the world what a good son She raised.


Anthony

[scott anthony]

Just a thought here Opie.
I just got back from the funeral home today for plans on my mother, it's coming also. They too say to have the ashes cast to an place of her wishes.
I would if possible take the time to get you family together and agree on what would she would of wanted. They need to go somewhere, and doing this together may bond you kin back to a nuetral state. I do believe you will all have peace if this can be accomplished.
And sorry if this has been said, I didn't go through them all.
Stay cool OP.

[opiethetileman]

Im hanging in there but I got so stressed today and dropped a 26 oz eastwing hammer on a tub and chipped it. only good thing was I hadnt tiled it yet I was onyl rocking it today.

[LadyGodiva]

I'm glad we didn't have to fight about ashes! Lord knows we had enough fighting over the casket, where to bury my dad and who should sit in front with my mother.

I take great comfort in visiting daddy's grave every weekend and taking him flowers. My kids also don't mind visiting, though they still can't believe he's buried there. We visit some of the other 'forgotten' graves, and we read their names and sometimes add a flower or two.

I'm feeling a lot better these days, but I'm sure the holidays will get me down. Still, I try to focus on the fact that we're all going to die, and that he had a long life. He's also not in pain anymore (here on earth). I try to take it one day at a time, and busy myself with all the daily things I have on my plate. The biggest job I have right now is making sure my mother is okay.

Me and my big mouth had to tell daddy before he died that I would never abandon mummy. I'm one of those people who makes a promise and keeps it :bang: The job of looking out for her and after her is proving to be quite difficult. Still, I'm a living example to my children of how one should treat their mother in her old age...think my kids will keep me around? :D

Basically Dan, I am trying to tell you that no matter how hard it gets, we cannot give up and allow grief to consume or destroy us. I know the feeling, and was down and sick for the first 4 weeks after daddy died. Woke up last week and saw that I looked like 'death warmed over' and realised it was time to take care of ME.

Hang in there buddy. We're always here to help you. Your mum would want you to be happy. We can remember, and we can be sad but we must carry on. Lots of hugs coming your way :)

[Airborne]

...a friend of mine has a saying I'm not smart enough to remeber well enough to repeat here, but the basic gist is "don't let the Root of Bitterness take root in your heart." Makes quite a bit of sense to me generally to let others be petty and spend your time on the present and future.