John Bridge
03-22-2002, 07:04 PM
Y'all are due a little education here. Folks in Indiana and other parts barbeque pigs on weekends. People out west have delectible ways of doing steaks over their outdoor cooking devices. Northeastern Yankees do mussels and Lobsters.
In Texas it's chili. No bones about it. There are events called Chili Cook-offs, where "teams" sit up all night nursing their concoctions (and drinking beer) hoping to come in number one -- or at least runner up. (Runner ups usually get several cases of beer instead of prize money.)
The affairs are held in parking lots, often in front of bars but sometimes in hospital parking lots and in shopping centers. The biggest cook-off in Houston occurs just prior to the annual Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, which has for years been held at the Astrodome. The cook-off is in the parking lot, which is huge.
People pay a nominal fee to enter the area, usually a couple bucks, which gives them an opportunity to taste a small amount of each chili. It also affords them the opportunity to buy beer in long neck bottles from twice as many vendors as there are chilli-cooking teams.
The following was sent to me by my son John, who lives in Chicago but who spent many of his younger years here in Houston. It came to him from a friend who was not the original author. Don't know who came up with it.
INEXPERIENCED CHILLI TASTER
Notes: From An Inexperienced Chilli Tester Named
FRANK, who had moved to Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be
all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
_____________________________________________________
CHILLI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy.
______________________________________________________
CHILLI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
_____________________________________________________
CHILLI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick.
Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use
of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now - get me more beer
before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back;
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all the beer.
____________________________________
CHILLI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it; is it possible to burnout
taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is
chilli an aphrodisiac?
______________________________________________________
CHILLI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring directly on it from a
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
______________________________________________________
CHILLI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli.
Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I
farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone!
______________________________________________________
CHILLI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I
should take note that I am worried about Judge Number
3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during
the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided
to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
__________________________________________________
#8 FINAL ENTRY
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced
chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over,
and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how
he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?
In Texas it's chili. No bones about it. There are events called Chili Cook-offs, where "teams" sit up all night nursing their concoctions (and drinking beer) hoping to come in number one -- or at least runner up. (Runner ups usually get several cases of beer instead of prize money.)
The affairs are held in parking lots, often in front of bars but sometimes in hospital parking lots and in shopping centers. The biggest cook-off in Houston occurs just prior to the annual Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, which has for years been held at the Astrodome. The cook-off is in the parking lot, which is huge.
People pay a nominal fee to enter the area, usually a couple bucks, which gives them an opportunity to taste a small amount of each chili. It also affords them the opportunity to buy beer in long neck bottles from twice as many vendors as there are chilli-cooking teams.
The following was sent to me by my son John, who lives in Chicago but who spent many of his younger years here in Houston. It came to him from a friend who was not the original author. Don't know who came up with it.
INEXPERIENCED CHILLI TASTER
Notes: From An Inexperienced Chilli Tester Named
FRANK, who had moved to Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be
all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
_____________________________________________________
CHILLI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy.
______________________________________________________
CHILLI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
_____________________________________________________
CHILLI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick.
Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use
of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now - get me more beer
before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back;
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all the beer.
____________________________________
CHILLI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it; is it possible to burnout
taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is
chilli an aphrodisiac?
______________________________________________________
CHILLI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring directly on it from a
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
______________________________________________________
CHILLI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli.
Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I
farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone!
______________________________________________________
CHILLI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I
should take note that I am worried about Judge Number
3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during
the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided
to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
__________________________________________________
#8 FINAL ENTRY
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced
chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over,
and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how
he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?