Albert's St. Patty Day Limerlicks

[Albert]

hi all yall,

yesterday i was telling john bout some jokes i read on the bathroom wall at the truckstop near my trailer and he tolt me they was limerlicks. i dint know what is a limerlick before this but he said it was some kinda irish joke.

well, i like beer and i dont like snakes so maybe i irish. does somebody hava irish test?

so john tolt me all about limerlicks. i tried and i tried and i finally made up one. here it is:


there once was a tilesetter named fred
who bilt shower pans made outta lead
his tiles was all plastic
and he set them with mastic
and his underware dont got no elastic


john got all upset with me and i thought it was becuz i was makin fun ofhis underware. but no. he said i rimed it all rong. he said it aint no limerlick unless it rimes rite. he said that the last line gotta rime with the first two lines. i gonna check in the truckstop on my way home to see if johnis rite.

so i tried agin and i think its pretty good:


i thinked my new shower was fantastic
till i found out it was all set with mastic
it was bilt by PITT Dan
who used a lead shower pan
and his underware dont got no elastic


john liked this one alright. he said i done good and that evrytime he heres a limerlick it makes him wanna drink a beer so we knocked off early.

i was wondrin if any of all yall gotta limerlick you wanna share for st pattys day?

albert

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[RandyL]

geez Al, your one crazy cracker
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whos ......ah never mind........:)

[Dog paws]

I once was ok in my head
Until a poem by Albert I done read
Now my brains are mush
I drink like a lush
And all cause Albert was interbred

[flatfloor]

There once was a tiler from Washington
Who used to work up in Boston
The work was so bad
They run off the lad
And now he screws up Houston. :D

[Dog paws]

Hey Albert, here's one for Edna

You sure got a nice bouquet
Smells better than Odessa's red clay
I love your smile
But been wondering all the while
Are you letting your teeth go green for St. Patty's Day


somebody stop me

[Dog paws]

Got a visit from Grandpa McClure
He was just trying to be a good doer
But he got drunk like a louse
Set fire to the house
Now I gotta sleep on the Patty' O Furniture

[John Bridge]

There IS no stopping you.

:D

[Albert]

hi dogpaws and fatflor, those was pretty good. i glad john showed up two.

i been workin on another limerlick but i caint finishit. maybe all yall can hep me. here itis


a drunk barmaid drove home in her truck
til she gotit stuck in the muck
she called a tileman
who gave her a hand
and...


i juss caint finishit. maybe its better i dont becuz i mite getin truble. john say i truble waitin two happen.

i looked allover the enternet and i found this drinkin limerlick. the guy looks like john but he more green:
http://www.things-to-say.com/holiday-greetings/stpatsday5a.htm

albert

[Albert]

o.k. i think ill try agin.


there once was 10 little john bridges
they wanted to comb thinset ridges
john was at work one day
the kids mixed thinset and played
now the whole house has valleys and ridges


i dunno. thats not two irish. maybe i try agin.


fatfloor was a grand guy from longisland
who tipped beer like an irish fireman
a pitcher he'd slurp
and let out a long burp
which kept the young ladies all smilin


hey fatflor, thats pretty good. i been tryen that trick with the girls for a long time but it dont work for me. my wife likeit but my daughter melia she hatesit when i burp. maybe edna she like burpin two. after i eat enchiladas and burp john say it smells like i got gas. beleave me, my gas be more bad than my burp. maybe i shood switch to the green sauce. i dunno.

albert

[Dog paws]

You say you want to be Irish
Be very wary of that wish
Cause likety split
You'll grow a gill slit
From drinking like a fish







Oh yeah, that reminds me
How many Irishmen does it take to srew in a light bulb?
Three.
One to hold the bulb. Another to hold the ladder. And a third to keep drinking until the room starts spinning. :D

[Edna]

Dawg paws:

You be skating on sum mighty thin ice here. You keep talkin bout me that way and yu’re gonna find a ravin mad dawg eating woman camped out on your front porch. Won’t be a pretty sight….step outside to git the paper and all be left of use is yu’re nails.

And gist in case mr. fatfloor sit there smirkin grin and all, i’m keeping my eyes out on you to. Tadpoles, gene pool, i ain’t forgot bout that.

[Dog paws]

Dear ms. Edna I was speaking the truth
I really wasn't trying to be uncouth
My pity I bequeath
About dissing your teeth
Since it is actually only one tooth

[Edna]

My little irish poem is dedicated to mr. albert

Sweet edna gone off to kissimmee
Then drank so much gin she couldn’t see
While singing some folk ballads
She puked in the salads
Doan chew just wanna hook up with me.

[Albert]

deer edna this is four you:


sweet edna was singin a ballad
when she blew chow in the salad
she let loose a big sneeze
right in the blue cheese
and no one noticed the chunks in their salads


yeah edna thats why i dont eat no salad and no vegattables. cept taters. specially not them salad bars likeat dennys or at kountry cookin. you neber no what people put in thar. john likes them salad bars though. specially after he got his felker purse. he say if its called a bar then its alright withhim and he likes meatin the other people at the bar. also ebry time he eats ata wendys he say it reminds him of bill vincent. i dont no. he dont got a reel tilesetter name like todd grout'em. there is lotsa nice peeple hangin out heer. maybe some ofem drink morethan john two. some dont drink though but they probly havefun anyhow.

albert

[flatfloor]

Aaaaaaalbert!

http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0903/wuerg/vomit-smiley-019.gif

[Albert]

hi all yall,

tonight at the pool haul the bartender say that i look kinda green. i dont know, i think maybe i irish. now that it is st patriks day, i havanother limerlick for john.

there once was a man named john bridge
who had lotsa beer in the fridge
he kept ice cold corona
next to patti's bologna
and when he needed to eat
he grabbed the corned beef
but it was a big waste
cuz he coodnt taste
after all of that green beer
he had no more fear
then he smiled and fell down on his ear

(good thing his kitchen floor is cushioned vinyl)

the end

happy st patricks day, yall. did i tell you i think maybe i irish? i aksed the bartentententender and he said i dont know, but you sure drink like one.

albert

[jjwq8]

A Tile Your World icon is Albert
By his wit, an obvious expert
From the mix in his blood
Of Levi jeans and thick mud
He’s the finest TYW advert

[Albert]

me too, i woke up on the floor
i aint gonna do this no more
when i feel this way
i'll "stand around" all day
and john will kick my butt outta the door

albert

[Edna]

A top of the mornin' to you mr. albert on this fine st. patty's day.
I think yure prolly irish. U drink like real irishman.